The surprise shower

R The surprise shower

barbiedoll43

invitation to a shower but, guest doesn't know she's the new arrival

Posted on October 22nd, 2011 ~ 4:50 pm

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Once upon a time Dani who was a cute curvaceous girl was invited to a baby shower held by her friends. Little did she know the shower was for her. She'd be the new arrival. Every lady who was married or taken was jealous of her because she was single. Their men constantly flirted with her. While she didn't return the flirtations, she was hated by her frenemies.So, they devised a plan; we'll invite Dani to a shower. However, she'll be the new arrival & we'll arrive with the gifts. We'll be her mommy's they cackled with glee. This way we'll keep our enemy closer. They got a changing table, diapers,crib,& adult size baby clothes, rumba panties, & pacifiers. all kinds of formula, bottles, & pacifiers.Dani went to Baby's 'R Us & bought gifts. She got dressed up not knowing she'd be punished by her so called frenemies. The shower started off well, the food was great & the atmosphere jovial. then came gift giving time. the mother chosen was Dina who was handed her gifts one by one. pretty dresses but they were big dolly size. Dani thought it was a joke. The gals asked her to go to Dina & speak a little bit for them. They slipped something in Dani's wine that tasted like cherry.Dani stood by Dina & started to speak but everything that came out sounded like a toddler's lisp. not only that from embarrasment she started to cry & she wet herself. Everyone was elated & came to her saying,"well little one this is what happens to whores who flirt with our men. you will be our baby girl & we will teach you how to be a well behaved little girl again.you will regress, & grow up all over again dear Dani.But first, we need to put you in a diaper. No, pwease no. I good gwirl. no more pee pee. Sorry little one but we must. they put her & strapped her on the changing table & used hair removal lotion & made her baby smooth. They used baby wipes, then baby oil & powder. They placed 3 absorbent pampers underneath her & taped each one. she was bulky all over. then they ripped her dress off & bra. they put plastic rumba panties over her diapers. And put on a cute sailor dress that showed her cute panties. then came the socks & shows. they brushed her hair into a ponytail & tied a satin ribbon bow. she squirmed & screamed so they put a big pacifier in her mouth.She sucked on it eagerly, and started calming down. the unstrapped her & placed her down. Dani couldn't walk, all she could do was waddle. They took pictures of their new baby Dani.

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Mizuma

Posted October 23rd, 2011 ~ 12:41 pm

Well a few things and sorry if I sound a little harsh.

For starters, I had this problem a lot to start with as well, you need to space out the story. Just into mini paragraphs to make it easier to read. A lot of people may open your story, see it is in one big heap and not bother reading it even if it may have been the world's best story.

Secondly, it is a little short. More over, it lacks detail. I know I must be sounding pretty mean right now but I know what it's like. You start writing really quick because you want the story right away and it comes out rushed.

I know that if you sit down, space out the story and go over the whole thing, expanding on what you have already written, you could increase the size of the story and it would turn out really well. It may seem hard at first but you already have the scaffold for the story, now you just need to elaborate and polish up the rough edges.

Another point to make, the story seems to far out of context and the fact that it's lacking detail also hurts the story as well. The women hate her for near to no reason and it makes the story line too unbelievable. If you elaborated the house wives characters to show that they are bitchy or what have you, then the story can flow more smoothly.

I'm sorry if all that sounds horrible but I'm trying to give you constructive criticism that I truly believe, if you apply all those things to your story, it WILL turn out to be a good story and may even lead to a sequel.

One positive comment out of all this negativity is that you tried. You posted a story. Not many people do that and instead, just read others. It takes guts to put your work up for others to view and sometimes, you won't like the comments you receive. Probably just like this one.

I have faith in you that you will succeed if you put time, effort and heart into your story.

I hope I could help. :)

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Ami

Posted October 23rd, 2011 ~ 5:41 pm

The one thing I'll say about your story is that it's not really a story. It's more of an outline for one. This has a lot of potential but you should really make it longer, add more depth into it, and pace it.

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stellaindiapers

Posted October 23rd, 2011 ~ 7:10 pm

Please continue the story with background

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meisababy

Posted October 24th, 2011 ~ 3:48 pm

i like it was good

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Juniper

Posted October 26th, 2011 ~ 6:01 pm

I agree with rf2fan. And what kind of name is Dina?

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Baby Butch

Posted October 28th, 2011 ~ 3:35 am

I like the story fine so far please continue with it. Seperating the story into paragraphs is a good idea to avoid eye strain on the readers. The idea for the story is great!

http://sissykiss.com/gallery/baby-butchs-gallery/

http://sissykiss.com/Baby-Butch/blog/awards-blog/

*Hugs Baby Butch*

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chapter 1