I hope you are enjoying the story so far. I will keep doing my best for you!)
Scene -- a clearing in the forest, outside of Athens. A beautiful, blonde girl named QUINCE walks back and forth before the doorway of the hut.
QUINCE: Oh, my! Oh, my! Where are my actors? I at least thought that Dick Bottom would be here on time. He's playing the lead! Well -- this is my final season as director of the Athens Community Theatre. I can tell you that much!
(Enter BOTTOM, an attractive, young man, who is thin, and a little dopey and lost-looking.)
BOTTOM: Why, I've found it! Flute! Flute! It's this way!
(Enter FLUTE, a somewhat muscular man in his late thirties, and SNOUT, a tall, round man with a huge beard and a very high voice.)
BOTTOM: Sorry we're late, Quince.
QUINCE: You're all dirty!
BOTTOM: Well, you know, it's really muddy.
FLUTE: Bottom's right, Honey. It's been raining non-stop lately! It's terrible for my glamorous appearance. My mascara's always running.
SNOUT: And there's not a dry patch in the forest. How did you stay dry, Quince?
QUINCE: I carried an umbrella and wore boots.
SNOUT: That's smart. Girls are smart.
QUINCE: Alright. Let's pay attention, girls!
SNOUT: I love it when she calls us girls.
QUINCE: Now, somehow, our theatre troupe --
BOTTOM: The Athens Community Theatre!
QUINCE: Has won the competition to perform after the marriage of Demetrius and Hermia.
FLUTE: If Demetrius doesn't decide to marry me first!
SNOUT: Demetrius doesn't even know you're alive. And if he did, he'd want to marry your cute friend -- me!
FLUTE: Why would he want to marry an ogre?
SNOUT: Why! I never!
QUINCE: Girls!
ALL: Yes, ma'am.
QUINCE: Now, our performance is tomorrow night. That gives us plenty of time to rehearse and put together a first-rate performance for Demetrius and Hermia. And, since we're in Ancient Greece, I propose we do something timely --
FLUTE: Like a reality show! Let's do Bridezillas! Those girls are so bitchy!
QUINCE: I was thinking Pyramus and Thisby.
SNOUT: Is that the one with Snooky in it?
QUINCE: OMG! What kind of community theatre is this?
BOTTOM: It's the Athens Community Theatre!
QUINCE: Well, I keep on thinking I'm in Pee Wee's Playhouse. Now, look. We don't have time to memorize all the words that I play would normally have. So we're going to do most of the show ex tempore.
BOTTOM: Improv?
QUINCE: Yes.
BOTTOM: Oh, great. I love improv. It's hilarious.
QUINCE: But this is Pyramus and Thisbe! It's a tragedy!
BOTTOM: This is going to be the most hilarious tragedy ever!
FLUTE: The sexiest, most hilarious tragedy ever!
QUINCE: Well, it's already a tragedy, and it hasn't even started. Now, look. Bottom, you're the manliest of the girls.
BOTTOM: Okay.
QUINCE: So you'll be Pyramus.
BOTTOM: Is Pyramus a boy or a girl?
QUINCE: A boy. And Flute, you'll be --
FLUTE: Yeah, Honey?
QUINCE: -- You'll be Thisby.
FLUTE: That better be a girl, Quince. Because I'm not going on stage unless I'm cross-dressed!
SNOUT: I wanna be a girl, too Quince.
QUINCE: Well, you have to be a lion.
SNOUT: Oh! I get to be a cute, little furry?
QUINCE: No! You get to be a mean, ferocious lion!
SNOUT: But why do we have to have mean lions in our play? I'm scared of 'em.
QUINCE: Don't you girls know the story of Pyramus and Thisbe?
ALL: No.
QUINCE: Well, Pyramus loves Thisby.
BOTTOM: I do not love Flute! I may cross-dress on occasion. But I love girls!
FLUTE: I am a girl.
QUINCE: You aren't really Pyramus, Bottom. And you don't really love Flute. This is just a play.
BOTTOM: Well, art imitates life, doesn't it?
QUINCE: So Pyramus loves Thisby. But Pyramus' dad hates Thisby's dad. So the dads won't let Pyramus and Thisby get married.
FLUTE: Wow. Those dads sound like a couple of Bridezillas.
QUINCE: But Pyramus decides he's going to run away with Thisby. And they decide they're going to meet in the forest one night.
SNOUT: Hey, we're in a forest!
BOTTOM: Wouldn't it be funny if Demetrius and Hermia decided to run away to this forest?
QUINCE: That wouldn't make any sense. Their dads already want them to get married.
FLUTE: But I've heard gossip that Hermia doesn't love Demetrius. She loves Lysander.
SNOUT: Maybe Lysander will run away into this forest with Hermia.
FLUTE: That's too far-fetched! What's really going to happen is that Lysander and Demetrius are both going to run away with me!
SNOUT: With me.
FLUTE: With me! And then Hermia will just have to go back to sixty-nining with her best friend Helena.
SNOUT: Yeah. That does sound like a good play. But I don't see why I hafta be a lion.
QUINCE: Because, when Thisby comes into the forest, she's chased by a lion! And the lion rips her dress. But she escapes. But when Pyramus comes by, he sees the ripped dress and thinks that Thisby has been eaten. So he kills himself. And then Thisby comes back into the scene. She sees Pyramus dead. So then she kills herself.
BOTTOM: Hm... I don't get it. I guess it's that dry, British humor. Well, no matter. I'm bound and determined to make Demetrius and Hermia laugh.
QUINCE: Well, it's a tragedy, so don't try to make them laugh too hard. So, do you girls have the story?
ALL: Yes, Quince.
QUINCE: Alright. Now, go into the trees. We'll use this clearing as a stage and the trees as the wings. Let's do the first scene, which will be where Pyramus tells Thisby to run away with him.
ALL: Yes, Quince.
(BOTTOM, FLUTE, and SNOUT all walk into the forest. QUINCE sits down on a rock, pulls out a pad of paper and a pen, and gets ready to take notes.)
QUINCE: Will these girls get things right? I don't know. Maybe we should've just done Our Town. Alright! Come on out!
(Enter LYSANDER and HERMIA, a young man and a young woman dressed in the style of noble people of Greece.)
LYSANDER: My dear, abide with me forever.
HERMIA: I shall, my sweet, though it even means parting from my fair land.
LYSANDER: Your heart is all the country I need. I am home wherever I see myself in your eyes.
QUINCE (claps): Okay! Not too bad. Not too bad!
(LYSANDER and HERMIA are startled.)
LYSANDER: Who are you, Madam?
QUINCE: Who are you, Madam? Okay... that's not as good. (Looks up from her pad.) And that blocking isn't so great, either. Alright, let's see here. (QUINCE stands up and begins arranging HERMIA's body.) Oh. Nice dress. Hey! Wait a minute! Didn't I tell you to play the man?
HERMIA: Excuse me?
QUINCE: The man! The man! You're supposed to be a man!
HERMIA: Well, I've been a woman all my life...
LYSANDER: Can you tell me what you're doing, touching my lover like that?
QUINCE: I most certainly can, Flute!
LYSANDER: Flute? My name is Lysander!
QUINCE: Lysander the young noble man? Why! Oh... Oh. And are you...
HERMIA: Hermia.
QUINCE: Well... wait a minute. This isn't in the script at all.
FLUTE (rushes out and hugs LYSANDER): Oh, Lysander! I'm such a big fan of yours!
LYSANDER: What? Oh! Please get off me! You're suffocating me!
FLUTE: Sorry. I just love to wear lots of perfume. I even spray my panties with it. You wanna see my panties?
LYSANDER: Dear God, no!
FLUTE: Too late! (Flashes LYSANDER). See? Pink with ruffles!
LYSANDER: No! Dear Zeus! Now I truly am ready to leave Athens.
SNOUT (stumbles out onto stage): Are you really running off with Hermia?
LYSANDER: Yes. We're going to a foreign country, where my aunt lives. She's a wealthy dowager. And Hermia and I are getting married there.
HERMIA: That Demetrius won't marry me! I love Lysander!
FLUTE: Oh, spare me!
HERMIA: You don't think I love Lysander?
FLUTE: Well, no. I think you like cherry pie more than you like banana custard.
HERMIA: What?
FLUTE: Anyway, I don't think you'll get away.
HERMIA: Why?
FLUTE: Think about it, toots. You're nobility. There'll be all kinds of guards out here when they find out about you.
HERMIA: But we didn't tell anybody about it, except Helena.
FLUTE: But why on earth would you tell Helena?
HERMIA: Why wouldn't I tell Helena? She's my best friend!
FLUTE: Friend with benefits?
HERMIA: What's that supposed to mean?
FLUTE: All I'm saying, as a wonderfully well-read gossip girl, is that if you want to make a clean break, you just go. And you don't tell anybody. But you told somebody. So somebody's going to follow you.
LYSANDER: Demetrius!
FLUTE: Bingo, Honey. You're as smart as you are attractive.
LYSANDER: And you're as muscular as you are sissified.
FLUTE: Thanks! I didn't think you noticed!
HERMIA: But I already told Demetrius I wouldn't marry him!
LYSANDER: Yes, and your father Egeus told you you would marry Demetrius. And King Theseus will hold you to it, if we stay in this land.
HERMIA: Well, we won't. We're getting on that merchant's ship first thing tomorrow morning. We're going to your rich aunt's house, and nothing will stop us!
(HERMIA grabs LYSANDER's hand and stomps away.)
FLUTE: Lysander! Baby! Come back! Oh, poop. Darn that Hermia. She's such a Bridezilla.
QUINCE: Okay, okay. Enough with that. The show must go on.
FLUTE: Not if Hermia gets away!
SNOUT: I hope we get to see Demetrius next. He's a major cutie-puss, too.
QUINCE: Well, we will see Demetrius. Tomorrow, at the wedding. For tonight, let's rehearse! Let's start from the top.
(BOTTOM, FLUTE, and SNOUT go back into the forest. QUINCE sits down on her rock. She takes out her pad of paper and pen again.)
QUINCE: Whew! I'm getting wet. I better change my diaper soon. But I don't know if the boys know that I wear diapers. They might think I'm too kinky if I tell them. Well, I'll just have to stay in my wet diaper until the rehearsal is over. Alright, girls! Come on out!
(Enter DEMETRIUS and HELENA.)
HELENA: My love, my precious, love, wait for me!
QUINCE: Hm... maybe a little too early to say that.
DEMETRIUS: Why would I wait for you? Can't you see I have a woman to catch?
QUINCE: A woman to catch?
HELENA: But I'm the woman who truly loves you!
QUINCE: That was nicely said.
DEMETRIUS: But I'm the man who truly hates you!
QUINCE: Okay, cut! Cut! Cut!
DEMETRIUS: Cut!
QUINCE: Yes, Flute, I said cut -- and (grabs Demetrius). Well -- either you changed back out of your ruffly panties, or you aren't Flute!
DEMETRIUS: I haven't changed out of my ruffly panties, and I am not Flute!
SNOUT (rushes out and hugs DEMETRIUS): Oh, you wear ruffly panties, too, Demetrius?
DEMETRIUS: What? No! I would never!
FLUTE (enters, arm in arm with BOTTOM): Oh, admit it, Baby. You wear pink, ruffly panties. Like these! (Flashes DEMETRIUS).
DEMETRIUS: No! Don't show me such things!
HELENA (beats SNOUT on the back with her fists): You -- boar! Get off my Demetrius!
DEMETRIUS: I'm not your Demetrius!
SNOUT (letting DEMETRIUS go): And I'm not a boar! I'm a lion!
HELENA: Well, Demetrius, Hermia isn't your Hermia.
FLUTE: She's your Hermia, isn't she, Helena, sweetie?
HELENA: Why! I! No... She's not!
BOTTOM: Wow, Flute. I didn't believe you until just now!
FLUTE: Hey, I'm a true-blue gossip girl.
HELENA: What's to believe! I love Demetrius! And Hermia loves Lysander!
FLUTE: Then why did you tell Demetrius that Lysander was taking Hermia away?
HELENA: Why?
FLUTE: Seems to me it would have been easier for you to get back on Demetrius' good side --
DEMETRIUS: Back on my good side? Why, what makes you think this woman of Amazonian stature was ever on my good side?
FLUTE: Oh, please, it was in all the rags, Honey. You and Helena had an affair. And then something made you fall in love with Hermia.
DEMETRIUS: True love made me fall for her!
FLUTE: I think it was something else, Babes. Like, maybe Hermia's father.
DEMETRIUS: Why would Hermia's father make me love Hermia?
FLUTE: Maybe you wanted to marry Hermia because you wanted to be close to Hermia's father, Egeus.
DEMETRIUS: Why...
FLUTE: And maybe Egeus wanted to be close to you...
DEMETRIUS: I have no idea...
FLUTE: Maybe you both wanted to be close to each other.
DEMETRIUS: If I understand what you're saying, you have a very dirty mind! And it's liable to be chopped right off your shoulders!
FLUTE: Well, let me ask you this. Did you tell anybody where you and Helena were going before you left?
DEMETRIUS: No. I most certainly did not --
HELENA: Well, you did write that long letter to Egeus.
DEMETRIUS: Simply by way of explanatation.
HELENA: And you did put a single long-stemmed rose on it.
DEMETRIUS: Simply for the purpose of being a paperweight! Look -- I don't have to answer to anybody! (Grabs HELENA's hand.) Come on, Helena! We're going to find Lysander and Hermia!
(Exeunt HELENA and DEMETRIUS.)
FLUTE: Hey, girls! We need to follow those two!
QUINCE: Flute, this isn't the time to think of hunting for autographs.
FLUTE: No! Helena and Demetrius are right behind Hermia and Lysander! If we don't stop them, they'll catch up with no problem!
QUINCE: Well, if we stop them, the marriage will be off, and we won't have a play to perform.
FLUTE: I'm not thinking of stopping them from meeting each other. But if they get in a big fight and make the misunderstanding even bigger than it already is --
QUINCE: What misunderstanding?
BOTTOM: I think Flute thinks Hermia should marry Lysander and Helena should marry Demetrius.
FLUTE: Not at all! But arguing over who should marry who will only stop us from catching up with these guys before they all get into a big fight!
QUINCE: Fine. Flute, you can run faster than any of us. Snout, you can hold down the two boys if they give us any trouble.
SNOUT: Oh, good. I hope they give us trouble.
QUINCE: And I'll follow along to give you guys some leadership.
BOTTOM: What about me?
QUINCE: Why don't you stay here and hold down the fort? Practice your lines or something. After all, you are the leader in our play, "Pyramus and Thisby."
BOTTOM: Oh... fine.
(Exeunt QUINCE, FLUTE, and SNOUT.)
BOTTOM: Well, those girls get to go off and have all this fun, while I sit here and do... whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing, practising the lines for my big role. What lines? The play is going to be improv! They just don't think I can handle the adventure of going with them.
(BOTTOM paces back out to the center of the stage.)
BOTTOM: Well, I'll show them! I'll have Pyramus down pat! By the time they get back, I'll have Pyramus down so well, they'll think I'm Thisby and the lion as well! Ahem... Now, let's think this out here... Where does it begin? Pyramus and Thisby plan to elope with each other right? Because their parents don't approve of their relationship. So, if I were a Pyramus, what would I say?
(TITANIA enters the scene very quietly with a small, boyish-looking figure. She stands in the shadows.)
BOTTOM (turning, unkowingly, in TITANIA's direction): My dear lady, the only way for the two of us to be together is to be together -- alone! Hm... yes. I like that. Together alone. My dear lady, the only way for the two of us to be together is to be together -- alone! We must leave our parents' lands and live our own lives!
TITANIA (steps out from the shadows, keeping the boyish figure in the shadows): It appears as if we are alone together, as you so awkwardly asked.
BOTTOM: What! Why! Who are you?
TITANIA: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
BOTTOM: Oh, try me! One of my greatest skills is believing whatever anybody tells me. I learned it by watching the news all the time.
TITANIA: What if I told you I was the queen of the fairies of this forest.
BOTTOM: Queen of the fairies! Fairies don't exist!
TITANIA: Well, then, how do you explain the lights people see floating through the forest on certain nights?
BOTTOM: Oh! Those are just -- weather balloons.
TITANIA: You aren't as good as believing things as you said you were.
BOTTOM: Well, I mean -- you're really testing my skill right now. Okay. I'm going to give it a shot. Fine... you're Titania, Queen of the Fairies of this forest. There. I almost believed it that time. Well -- oh yeah? Then where's your husband, Oberon?
TITANIA: Oh, please, don't call his name too loud. I've been able to avoid him all this time.
BOTTOM: Avoid...? Are you two having a lover's quarrel?
TITANIA: Kind of. See... Radha?
RADHA (the shadowy figure steps forward. RADHA has dark skin and black hair that is done in a very boyish fashion. She also wears boyish clothes.): Yes, my Queen?
TITANIA: This is my lover, Radha. Now Oberon and I are having a quarrel over this lover of mine. So, yes, if you think of it that way, Oberon and I are having a lover's quarrel.
BOTTOM: But why does Oberon want this little boy?
RADHA: I'm not a little boy! I'm an adult little girl! Only -- Titania has dressed me up like a boy.
BOTTOM: Adult little girl? What's that? Is it like a person who stays small all their life?
RADHA: Well, no. I was a big, adult girl once. I lived in a far off land called India. But I met Titania and fell in love with her.
TITANIA: Well, I just thought Radha was so adorable, and I fell in love with her, too. And I wanted to keep her and take care of her forever. And so I would be able to take care of her forever, I turned her all the way back into a little girl!
BOTTOM: Well, how did you do that? How did you turn her into a little girl? And why did you disguise Radha as a little boy? Why not just let her be a little girl?
TITANIA: I turned Radha into a little girl by using --
OBERON (from the distance): I heard somebody call my name! Was it you, Titania?
TITANIA: Oh, no, young man. What's your name?
BOTTOM: Bottom.
TITANIA: Bottom, you're going to need to hide while my husband comes prowling around. If he sees you hanging around with me he's going to get suspicious about the two of us. Hide over in these shadows. But don't go anywhere. I want to talk with you a little bit more. Radha, take Bottom over there.
(RADHA takes BOTTOM to a shadowy area. OBERON enters.)
OBERON: So, there you are, Wife.
TITANIA: I told you, I'm not interested in being your wife anymore.
OBERON: Why? Didn't your trip to India ease your temper a little?
TITANIA: I already told you, Oberon. I'm tired of you cheating on me. And, besides, I've never been a big fan of boys... while you have.
OBERON: Oh, speaking of being a big fan of boys, where's that cute, little boy you've been carrying around with you, Titania?
TITANIA: That cute, little boy is my son, Oberon! And I'm not handing him over to you!
OBERON: Titania, we can't stop being married. You know that. We're two demons of nature. Our forces work together and that's that. And the quarrel we're having over this little boy is really screwing with nature right now.
TITANIA: Well, that's true. It rains all the time nowadays. And parts of Athens are flooding a whole lot.
OBERON: Then you understand how important it is that we come to some kind of agreement.
TITANIA: Yes! Well, the agreement is that you leave me alone!
OBERON: I'm trying to make a deal with you, Titania. If you give me that cute, little boy for my own... er, pleasure, I'll leave you alone once and for all, except for any times when we need to work together.
TITANIA: And I'm telling you that I'm not giving up my son!
OBERON: That little boy isn't your son! You didn't give birth to him.
TITANIA: No. But I impregnated the girl who did give birth to him.
OBERON: A lie! It's unnatural! Who ever heard of a girl making another girl pregnant! Even a demon of nature doing it? No, I don't believe you, Titania.
TITANIA: Well, Radha gave birth to our little boy, Hippolytus. And she died in childbirth.
OBERON: It's a good thing, too! What right had she having sex with you?
TITANIA: What right did you have having sex with all those girls and boys of yours?
OBERON: You don't have the right to ask that question! I'm the man in this relationship, you know!
TITANIA: Well, so am I now, apparently.
OBERON: There's really no dealing with you, is there! Well, fine! See if I care if the land floods, and if all the people of Athens perish under the strange conditions of the weather.
TITANIA: Now, Oberon, calm down. We can work together. But you're leaving me and my boy alone.
OBERON: We'll see about that, won't we, Titania? I've got a lot of tricks up my sleeve. Just you wait!
(OBERON exists. TITANIA sits down on a rock and puts her face in her hands. RADHA rushes out and embraces TITANIA. BOTTOM slowly, shyly follows RADHA.)
RADHA: Oh, Mommy! (Kisses TITANIA fervently.) You were so brave to fight against Oberon like that!
TITANIA (kisses RADHA): Thank you, Baby. But Oberon's right in one respect. If the two of us can't work together, Athens will be in deep trouble. I have to appease him. But I can't be with him anymore. He wants me. But only like he wants everybody else. He wants to be the only male in the world to make sexual conquests. And he wants to keep me from being anybody else's conquest. And god forbid I should make any sexual conquests of my own!
RADHA: Like you made a sexual conquest of me, Mommy?
TITANIA (embraces RADHA and kisses her again): Yes, Baby. Mommy made a big sexual conquest out of you. Didn't she?
BOTTOM: Wow! These two girls are hot!
RADHA: You sure did, Mommy! When I was a big girl, you loved me better than any man ever could. And now that I'm your own adult little girl, every night is heaven!
TITANIA (smiles and pats RADHA'S bottom): Well. Wait a minute! Have you wet your diaper, Baby?
BOTTOM: Diaper?
TITANIA: Yes. Radha needs to wear diapers.
BOTTOM: But she looks too old for diapers. She looks at least ten years old.
TITANIA: And she mostly acts that age, too, even though she has a completely adult mind. But the fact is that --
RADHA: When Mommy changed me into a little girl, the spell accidentally put me back a few stages in some regards.
BOTTOM: Like what?
RADHA: Well, for instance, I'm completely incontinent. I potty and poop myself all the time. And then Mommy has to change my diapers.
BOTTOM: What else?
(RADHA takes off her pants, revealing a big, puffy paper diaper. She then takes off her shirt, revealing her tiny, little boobies.)
RADHA: Well, I also have to breast feed from my Mommy a lot. I can handle big people food sometimes. But sometimes the only thing my tummy can handle is milk from my Mommy's breast.
(RADHA lays on her back, her knees arched up and her legs spread out before TITANIA.)
TITANIA: And we both love it when Radha needs to breast feed.
(TITANIA untapes RADHA'S diaper.)
BOTTOM: I see. That (BOTTOM puts his hands in front of his crotch) sounds interesting. May I excuse myself?
TITANIA: Are you alright, Bottom?
BOTTOM: Oh, sure. I just need to go to the bathroom myself.
TITANIA: Take your hands off your crotch.
(BOTTOM does so. He has grown a big erection.)
TITANIA: You didn't need to go to the bathroom, after all! You're just turned on by all of this, aren't you?
(TITANIA rolls up RADHA'S dirty diaper and begins cleaning off RADHA'S crotch and bottom with a baby wipe.)
BOTTOM: No! Me? No! I'm not turned on by watching a girl get her diaper changed! That would be...
TITANIA: You are turned on, aren't you?
(TITANIA powders RADHA'S crotch and bottom.)
BOTTOM: No! Maybe a little. I think it's the surprise. Trust me. I dress up in girl's clothes sometimes. But only for performances! And I hang around with boys who like boys and a girl who likes -- well, it seems like the only thing she likes is theatre! But I'm not perverted enough to think watching a girl getting her diaper changed is...
TITANIA: Your little member is telling a different story, Bottom.
BOTTOM: I! (BOTTOM covers up his crotch again.)
(TITANIA giggles gently. RADHA lifts up her bottom. TITANIA slides a fresh diaper underneath RADHA's bottom.)
BOTTOM: May I...
(TITANIA pulls the tape straps on the diaper.)
BOTTOM: Ugh...! May I please excuse...
TITANIA: Did the sound of the tape straps turn you on, Baby?
BOTTOM: No!
(TITANIA tapes RADHA into her diaper, then lifts her up and cradles her to her chest.)
RADHA: Oh, thank you, Mommy! You always make me feel so snug and secure in my diapers!
BOTTOM: Oh! Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
TITANIA: What did you do, Bottom?
BOTTOM: Nothing! Nothing at all.
TITANIA: Take your hands off your crotch, Bottom.
BOTTOM: No, please...
TITANIA: Don't make me cast a spell on you, Bottom.
(BOTTOM takes his hands off his crotch, revealing a big wet spot on his front, and a rapidly deflating erection.)
TITANIA: So you got a little too turned on, didn't you?
BOTTOM (blushing): Yes. I guess I did.
RADHA: Mommy? Could I breast feed from you?
BOTTOM: Oh, no! Not again!
TITANIA (reaches out one arm to BOTTOM while embracing RADHA with the other): Bottom, come over here. Come on, come on. Don't be afraid. Now, you just sit right here with me and Radha.
BOTTOM: I'm sorry for doing such a perverted thing in front of you.
TITANIA: If either I or Radha were angry at you getting turned on, you'd know it. Trust me. No. I think we've both kind of...
RADHA: Hungry, Mommy!
TITANIA: Bottom, can you help me take off my shirt so I can breast feed my little Baby?
BOTTOM: I... guess so. (BOTTOM begins helping TITANIA undo her shirt.)
TITANIA: Is this turning you on again, little Bottom?
BOTTOM: I think it is. I'm sorry, Titania. I'm a little new to all of this. Girls, I mean. I mean, I don't have a lot of experience in... taking girls out of their clothes.
(TITANIA is now topless, and RADHA begins drinking from TITANIA'S breasts.)
TITANIA (laughs): I'm surprised you haven't had more experience with girls, Bottom. You're really cute, in your own little, bumbling way. And you yourself look like a little boy. I could kind of keep you around, as a little boy-type baby doll. I wonder if you'd like that. Oh, Radha, that feels so good. Suck harder. You're a hungry baby, aren't you? Suck my nipple harder. That's a good baby.
BOTTOM: Oh, dear God.
TITANIA: Bottom, sit down with us. Come on. Cuddle up with me. Yes. Now lay your head on my free breast. Don't be afraid. There we go. Good baby. Very good. My two little babies.
BOTTOM: Uh... Titania? I'm feeling like I might...
TITANIA: Cum again? Here. Radha, help Bottom cum again.
RADHA: How, Mommy?
TITANIA: Take Bottom's hands off of the place he's holding and grab that place yourself. Only, grab it from under his pants.
RADHA: Yes, Mommy!
BOTTOM: Oh, God. She's touching me, Mommy!
TITANIA: How cute. You called me Mommy!
BOTTOM: I didn't mean to -- oh!
RADHA: He came pretty quick, didn't me Mommy? (RADHA burps) Oh, 'scuse me! I guess I'm full! My hand is all sticky now, Mommy! From the stuff Bottom's pee-pee made!
TITANIA: Here. Give me your hand, Baby.
(RADHA presents her hand to TITANIA. TITANIA licks RADHA'S hand.)
TITANIA: There, all clean again. Isn't it?
RADHA: It sure is! I'm tired, Mommy!
TITANIA: Well, this is as good a place as any to get some rest. Here, let's go over here.
(TITANIA walks RADHA and BOTTOM into the shadows. The three lay back down.)
TITANIA: Why don't the three of us take a nap in this dark spot for a while?
BOTTOM: Even me, Titania?
TITANIA: Yes, Baby. I think the two of us have taken a liking to you.
BOTTOM: Oh, Titania. I'll remember this night forever! Thank you so much!
(RADHA seems already to be asleep. TITANIA and BOTTOM quickly fall asleep.)
RADHA: Mommy? Mommy? Good. She's asleep. (RADHA quickly puts on her boy clothes.) I'm going to figure out what's going on with that Oberon once and for all. He needs to stop messing with my Mommy. I'll find him and trap him... somehow! And then when he sees things my Mommy's way, I'll let him go.
(RADHA heads away from the scene.)
OBERON (enters): It's right over there, Puck! That's where I last saw her.
PUCK (enters): Let's see if she left any sign of where else she may have gone, then, Master!
OBERON: More than a sign, Puck! She's topless, and the little boy is in her arms!
PUCK: Oh, this is just the kind of mischief I love. Look at the two of them! What a couple of little devils!
OBERON: No. You're the little devil, Puck.
PUCK: That's true. But they're doing a pretty devilish job themselves.
OBERON: Ugh... I can't even look at this sight anymore. (Turns away.) What's her idea, Puck? To be in a lover's embrace with a little boy?
PUCK: Weren't you planning to do the same thing, Boss?
OBERON: Well, sure. But I'm the man in the relationship. We get a little bit of leverage, don't we?
PUCK: Well, your lever sure makes you think so.
OBERON: What's that, Slave?
PUCK: Nothing, boss. I was just wondering what kind of mischief I was supposed to be making for your wife.
OBERON: Well, she loves this little boy of hers. Here's what we do. Give him the head of a donkey.
PUCK: Well, I can do that, Oberon. But only for the night. Once the sun rises, this little boy will be a human again.
OBERON: Fine. I just want her to think her little boy has become a donkey for long enough that she's disgusted. And then, when she's so disgusted, she'll come running back to me. I won't take her back unless she promises to give me the donkey-headed boy. And I get to use him however I want. And trust me, I have plenty of kinky ideas for how I'm going to use that pretty, little Indian boy.
PUCK: Okay... Do you think that'll get her to make up with you? It won't make her more angry with you?
OBERON: Why would I care if she's angry with me, Puck? If I have that little boy in my bed, that's all I care about. I can't wait! I'm gonna ruin that tight, little ass of his!
PUCK: I guess, big-picture-wise, aren't we kind of supposed to be figuring out a way to reconcile you and Titania? I mean, you two are the weather demons of this forest. And right now this region is flooding because the rains have been so bad. The only way it's going to change is if you two can get reconciled. If it doesn't stop soon, Athens is in deep trouble. So shouldn't we be work--
OBERON: Look, Devil, Slave. I'm good enough at figuring out the big picture without having an underling remind me of it. Okay? And right now, I'm saying the big picture is perfectly fine. If it weren't fine, I'd be worrying about it. But all I'm worried about is boring into that little boy's butt until he's just not good for anybody else. And Titania is in my way. So we're going to take care of that. That's as big picture as I'm thinking right now. And I don't want you to see a picture of any different size. Got it?
PUCK: Yes, Master.
OBERON: So you know what to do then. I can't sit here and look at this disgusting scene anymore. I'm out of here. Just let me know when it's done, Puck.
PUCK: Yes, Master.
(OBERON exits.)
PUCK: Well, I love making mischief. But there's a boundary to everything, I guess. And, well, you know, it's an unspoken rule, but sometimes the help has to take matters into their own hands. Or else the masters will just jam everything up.
(PUCK stands over BOTTOM.)
PUCK: So... (PUCK begins to wave his hands around BOTTOM'S head) ... You will now have the head of an ass, all the way until sunrise. And when Titania wakes up, she'll see you as a man with the head of an ass. However ... it won't matter. Because I have this ... (PUCK takes out a small vial of glowing, purplish liquid.) This is the love potion Cupid uses to tip his arrows. In my off hours, I've followed Cupid around as he shot for lovers' hearts. Well, Cupid sometimes has bad aim. And sometimes his arrows don't hit anything at all. When the arrows go astray, I pick them up. Then I take the love potion off the arrows and collect it in this jar. A drop of this on Titania's eyes will make her fall in love with the first person she sees upon waking. So ... (PUCK pours a drop of the liquid on TITANIA'S eyes) ... this will preserve your love for the ass-headed boy until he becomes your little boy again. I'm not sure how that will help you get reconciled with Oberon. But at least it won't make you even madder at him. And at me! (PUCK puts the vial away and starts to walk out of the scene.) And now, if you'll excuse me...
DEMETRIUS (rushes through the scene): Leave me alone, you weird monster! (Exits.)
PUCK: What's this?
SNOUT (rushes through the scene): Come back, Demetrius! I'm not done showing you my panties! (Exits.)
PUCK: Well, I'm assuming it would take some time to get a full view of those panties. But what's going on here?
FLUTE (rushes into the scene): Leave your hands off of him, Snout! That beefcake is mine!
PUCK (stops FLUTE): Wait!
FLUTE: Excuse me, but who do you think you are?
PUCK: Well, my name is Puck. And what is your name, mad -- mister -- um... what are you?
FLUTE: I am an artiste!
PUCK: You're wearing quite a short dress. It shows off your muscular legs quite nicely.
FLUTE: Well, what does it show you when I bend over? (FLUTE bends over, exposing the back side of his pink, ruffly panties.)
PUCK: Is it that practical to have so many ruffles on your panties?
FLUTE (stands up): Well, if feeling good is practical, then yes, it's extremely practical.
PUCK: Why are the two of you guys --
FLUTE: Girls!
PUCK: Whatever floats your boat. But why are you two so intent on catching that boy?
FLUTE: Why, don't you know who he is?
PUCK: No.
FLUTE: That's Demetrius! He's supposed to get married to this lezbo tomorrow. But he insists he's in love with some other lezbo, who insists she's in love with a poor, nice boy who actually is in love with her!
PUCK: Is this Athens or Melrose Place?
FLUTE: It's Real Housewives, if you don't mind.
PUCK: Well, I mostly watch TV for the commerci--
HELENA (rushes into the scene): You leave my Demetrius alone! (She stops when she sees FLUTE talking with PUCK.) What's this? Not another fairy?
PUCK: Oh, are you a fairy, too?
FLUTE: She means it in a different way, toots.
HELENA: Where'd you put Demetrius, Flute?
FLUTE: He went thattaway. Snout was rolling after him.
HELENA: Why couldn't you two have just left us alone?
FLUTE: Oh, well, we stopped your sexy, little Hermia from escaping, didn't we?
HELENA: Why do you keep calling Hermia sexy?
FLUTE: I'm just calling her what you call her.
HELENA: I! -- Do not! Call Hermia sexy!
FLUTE: Well, then, what do you call her?
HELENA: A... A highly valued friend!
FLUTE: Well, here comes your highly valued friend right now.
(HERMIA and LYSANDER rush into the scene.)
HELENA (runs up to HERMIA and embraces her): Oh, Hermia! Hermia! My darling friend! (Begins kissing her cheeks.) They've taken away my Demetrius!
HERMIA (embraces HELENA and kisses her back, just as passionately): Oh, Helena! Helena! Don't you worry about it. Your Demetrius will be just fine.
FLUTE: Lysander, what do you think about this girl on girl action?
LYSANDER: Girl on girl action?
HELENA: Don't start that again!
HERMIA: Yeah! We aren't kissing each other passionately because we're in love with each other!
HELENA: Of course not! We're kissing each other passionately because we're comforting each other!
LYSANDER: Comforting each other?
HERMIA (runs over and embraces LYSANDER): Yes, my darling. We're afraid. Afraid that Helena's darling Demetrius may be captured by these rogues and put to all kinds of strange uses.
FLUTE: No stranger than the uses that Egeus would put him to.
HELENA: That's something I meant to talk with you about, Hermia.
(LYSANDER breaks off from HERMIA and approaches FLUTE. HERMIA and HELENA go back to embracing and kissing each other.)
LYSANDER (draws his sword): You better tell me right now what you've done to Demetrius, Flute!
FLUTE (puts his hand to his chest): Well, that is a big sword! And it looks as hard as steel. Tell me, Baby, do you like to use that big, hard sword of yours on men?
LYSANDER (grimaces and sheathes his sword): How did you just make running somebody's guts through with a sword sound so disgusting?
FLUTE: Hmph. I guess you don't like boys. Either that or you're a 'phobe. Whatever. I'm heart broken. But this girl has dealt with sorrow in her past.
PUCK: Flute, let me get this straight.
FLUTE: If you get it straight, you can rub it all over me.
PUCK: You're pretty cool, Flute! Um... I guess... those two are the lezbos.
HERMIA and HELENA: No!
FLUTE: Yes.
LYSANDER: They just said no. Why can't you trust them?
PUCK: And this must be the poor sucker who's actually in love.
FLUTE: Right.
PUCK: And whick lezbo is he in love with?
FLUTE: The shorter one. Her name is Hermia.
PUCK: They're both pretty cute.
HELENA: Do you know who you're calling cute?!
FLUTE: I mean, they're cute, if you're into actual girls.
HELENA: And I'm tired of you talking so demeaningly about us, Flute! We're royalty!
HERMIA: Oh, leave him alone for a minute, Helena.
HELENA: Why? I'm not afraid of boys! I'll wring his little fairy neck!
PUCK: She really is an Amazon, isn't she!
FLUTE: Yeah, it's not just her height.
HELENA: Why, you! (She makes to attack FLUTE.)
HERMIA: Helena, stop!
HELENA: Okay. But why?
HERMIA: It seems to me that Flute and that other one... that...
HELENA: Quince?
HERMIA: Yes. Quince.
FLUTE: Where is Quince? That's weird. I thought she'd be hot on our trail.
LYSANDER: Last I heard, she was crying out about her cursed leaking making her need to stop chasing us at last. I'm not sure what she meant by that.
HERMIA (embraces HELENA again): Listen, Helena! I need your full, passionate attention. Ever since Quince and Flute have gotten us all together and fighting, there's been one thing Flute's been harping on...
PUCK: Flute harping? You're a one-girl band, Sweetie!
FLUTE: Ha! I think I like you, Puck!
HERMIA: Well Flute keeps talking and talking about your father, Helena. About Egeus. And how Demetrius and Egeus seem to be...
HELENA: In love! That's right!
LYSANDER: Demetrius and Egeus are in love?
HELENA: Yes. Your old best friend loves my big daddy!
LYSANDER: Hm... I have to think about this... Well, you know... It doesn't come to me as a total surprise. I've seen the signs, you know. And my gay-dar is pretty good.
FLUTE: Oh, yeah, it's just great. Wouldn't you agree, Hermia and Helena?
HERMIA: His gay-dar is as good as it needs to be!
LYSANDER: Thanks, Honey. You're always supporting me. I can tell you really love me.
HERMIA: But, Helena, can't we use this to calm Demetrius down? If we tell him that it doesn't matter which one of us he marries, that either one of us will let him play with your father to his heart's content...
(HERMIA and HELENA break out of their embrace, but continue holding hands.)
HELENA: Oh, it's a competition thing between Lysander and Demetrius. Mostly on the side of Demetrius. Demetrius couldn't care less about girls, really. But the fact that Lysander likes you is enough to make him pursue you.
LYSANDER: I think that's true! After all, he was pursuing you, Helena, before he found out that I was in love with Hermia.
HELENA: He wasn't pursuing me. I was pursuing him. And I had him.
HERMIA: Just according to our plan!
LYSANDER: Plan?
HERMIA: But why did he start going after me, if he already had you?
HELENA: Just like I said. He's competing with Lysander.
HERMIA: Does he secretly love Lysander? Oh! (Cuddles excitedly against HELENA.) Wouldn't that be convenient?
LYSANDER: Why would it be convenient?
HELENA: Nope. He just sees Lysander as being a little bit more of a man in the ways in which he'd like to be a man.
FLUTE: Which way? Being a blind, overtrusting dope?
LYSANDER: Alright, Flute! I've had just about enough of you!
FLUTE: You can have enough of whatever you want. I'm getting out of here anyway. I need to find Quince. She should have caught up with us by now.
(FLUTE exits. LYSANDER is about to follow. But he stops. As LYSANDER has his back turned to HERMIA and HELENA, they begin french kissing. When LYSANDER turns back, they stop, though they both begin carressing each others' hair.)
LYSANDER: That fool better not talk that way about the woman who loves me.
HERMIA: That's right, Lysander.
DEMETRIUS (from the distance): No! Please, Snout! Don't take off my clothes!
SNOUT (from the distance): But I'm only wearing my panties! You need to wear only your panties, too!
PUCK: Wow! That mountain of a man, in only his panties! If they're anything like Flute's panties, that oughtta be a real sight!
(PUCK exits.)
LYSANDER: Wait for me! I may not like Demetrius a whole lot, after he tried to steal the girl who loves me. But I'll still defend him like a true friend!
(LYSANDER exits.)
HERMIA: We're following you right now, Honey!
HELENA: We are?
HERMIA: Hell, no, Baby. God. I'm so glad you came after us. Now take me to a hidden place where we can get naked with each other for a couple hours.
HELENA: Good girl.
(HERMIA and HELENA exit, holding hands.)
(TITANIA wakes up, sits up, and stretches.)
TITANIA: I wonder if I was dreaming. I feel like Radha and I met the most marvelous little boy of a man. I had Radha tousle his innocence a little bit, and the little boy came right on time. It was so cute. Oh! So it wasn't a dream, after all. Oh! He's even cuter than I remember him being! (TITANIA leans her head down and kisses BOTTOM.) What an interesting face! He's like a little hobby horse! Well, then, maybe I'll ride up and down on him later on. What a fun thought!
(TITANIA straddles BOTTOM. BOTTOM wakes up.)
BOTTOM: Uhn? What's going on? Oh! Titania! Queen of the Fairies!
TITANIA: Just call me Mommy, Baby. and lift up my skirt while I pull down your pants.
BOTTOM: Um... Okay.
TITANIA: Nevermind your pants. Just get my skirts up. I'm not wearing any panties. I'm just going to rub against you through your pants.
BOTTOM: Oh... okay... That feels just fine... Mommy.
TITANIA: Grab my rear end, Bottom. Grab it hard! That's a good Baby. Now I'm going to stroke your ears.
BOTTOM: Uhn... Oh, Mommy!
TITANIA: Yes. I'm going to stroke your ears. They're so long. And they're hard. You must like me.
BOTTOM: Yeah, Mommy Titania, I love -- Wait. My ears are long and hard?
TITANIA: Yes! Oh! I love your long ears!
BOTTOM (sits straight up while TITANIA continues dry humping him): What's going on?
TITANIA: Keep grabbing my ass, Bottom, you ass!
BOTTOM: Just a second. Just a second. (BOTTOM reaches his hands up to his ears.) Whoa... They are long, and hard.
TITANIA: Yes! Yes! They are! Oh! (TITANIA stops humping BOTTOM and relaxes. She kisses Bottom on the mouth lightly.) Well, you're the first boy who's made me come in quite a while, Bottom.
BOTTOM: But I don't understand. My ears feel like donkey ears.
TITANIA: Of course they do. Your whole head must feel like a donkey head.
BOTTOM: But why? (BOTTOM slowly feels his face.) What?! No! How?! Is this some kind of magic spell you put on me, Titania?
TITANIA: Not me, Baby. I just woke up and, bam! You were cuter than ever!
BOTTOM: But I don't feel like being an ass. What's happened to me? I've gone from Dick Bottom to being Dick Ass!
TITANIA: Why don't you just drop the Dick and be Bottom Ass?
BOTTOM: I just want to be a plain old human Bottom! (BOTTOM pushes TITANIA off of him and stands up.) I've got to find out what happened to me and change myself back right away!
(BOTTOM makes a move to run into the forest. TITANIA stands up and grabs BOTTOM by the writst.)
TITANIA: Oh, no you don't!
(BOTTOM struggles with TITANIA, but TITANIA wrestles him to the ground, then pins him lying on his back. TITANIA straddles BOTTOM again. She then pulls a vial full of glowing, yellow fluid out of a pouch at her waist.)
TITANIA: Here we go!
BOTTOM: What's that?
TITANIA: When I love somebody the way they are, I keep them the way they are.
BOTTOM: What do you mean? What are you doing?
TITANIA: I'm going to make it so you can't ever change yourself.
BOTTOM: But I don't want to live with a donkey's head!
TITANIA: But if I sprinkle you with this stuff you'll live forever, as well.
BOTTOM: What is that stuff?
TITANIA: The same stuff I used on Radha. Now hold still.
BOTTOM: But that turned her into a little girl -- or an adult little girl.
TITANIA: That's right. An adult girl with the body of a little girl. And the incontinence of a newborn girl. That's what these Cupid dew drops do.
BOTTOM: Cupid dew drops?
TITANIA: Well -- I guess that's a nice way of putting it.
BOTTOM: Nice way of putting what?
TITANIA: Well, I suppose you've seen pictures of Cupid flying through the air with his bow and arrows. He's a little baby. And he's a baby forever and ever. Well, sometimes you see him naked, right? And sometimes you see him wearing a diaper.
BOTTOM: Yes.
TITANIA: Well, in my off hours, I've occasionally followed Cupid around. I've waited until he's gotten his diaper changed. Then I steal the wet diaper before the washer women can clean it. Those cloth diapers of his are extremely absorbent. I don't know how! It must be magic. So I have to wring real hard each time to get just a few drops of Cupid's potty out of those diapers.
BOTTOM: I don't like where this is going.
TITANIA: It's going to the bathroom. So, Bottom, after a few years of following Cupid, stealing his diapers, and squeezing out his potty, I've finally gotten this much of Cupid's dew drops, as I like them. They keep people young forever, just like Cupid is young. And they freeze a person in their current state.
BOTTOM: Like, if I made a nasty face, it would freeze me with that face?
TITANIA: It just might.
BOTTOM: Well, I'm making a nasty face right now, Titania! (Struggles under TITANIA). Let me go, so I can change my face really quick before you pour that stuff on me.
TITANIA: Oh, Baby. I love how you struggle. You really do kick like a mule! And I love it rough every once in a while! Oh! I can tell we're going to get along very well, Baby! Now, let me just uncork -- ugh. Hold still, Bottom! I'm trying to uncork this bottle!
BOTTOM (keeps struggling): No, Titania! I don't want to be a Dick Bottom Ass forever!
TITANIA: Stop struggling, Bottom! Ugh! You're going to make me -- there! It's open!
BOTTOM: No! (Struggles even harder.)
TITANIA: Oh!
(TITANIA drops the bottle. It falls, top down, into one of BOTTOM'S huge nostrils. The back end sticks out of BOTTOM'S nose.)
TITANIA: Now look what you've done, you ass!
BOTTOM: Ack! Ack!
(All the contents of the bottle drain into BOTTOM'S nose.)
BOTTOM: It's smells like potty!
(BOTTOM begins to shrink under TITANIA. His skin also changes to the fabric of a plushy, stuffed animal. BOTTOM assumes a form half like that of a human being and half like that of a horsey stuffed animal. He shrinks down to about four feet in size. But his penis also grows, as a plushy-fabric, stuffed penis, to a size proportional to the size of the penis on a donkey. All of bottom's clothes change into glittery-fabric, purple and blue, iridescent clothing, which make him look like a sissified version of a medieval prince.)
BOTTOM: Ah-- ah-- Ah, oh, by dose, Bobby!
TITANIA (gets off of BOTTOM, lifts him up, hugs him): Oh, Bottom! You're terrific! You're better than I could have hoped for, Baby!
BOTTOM: Ah -- ah -- ooh... Oh, Bobby, by dose!
TITANIA: And you're lighter than ever! Now that you're made out of plushy fabric and stuffing! Why I could cuddle with you, throw you around. You're just a regular, old sexy dolly, aren't you, Baby?
BOTTOM: By dose, Bobby! Ah-- ah-- ah-- ooh... It howts! By dose!
TITANIA: But look at your big boy's potty! Why, it's as big as it would be on a Shetland Pony, almost! What a lucky girl I am!
BOTTOM: Bobby!!! By dose!
(TITANIA stands BOTTOM down. BOTTOM falls to all fours, as if to crawl.)
TITANIA: Now, don't you yell at your Mommy, Bottom, or she'll have to spank you! Now what do you mean by all the nonsense you're speaking?
BOTTOM (points to his nose): By dose.
TITANIA: Oh! You've still got the bottle in it!
BOTTOM: Uh-huh. Ah!--- Ah!-- Ooh...
TITANIA: Here. Let me pull it out, Baby. (TITANIA pulls hard on the bottle.) Wow. It's jammed in there really hard, isn't it? I should have taken it out when you were bigger!
BOTTOM: Geddidout, Bobby!
TITANIA: Stop calling me Bobby!
BOTTOM: Ah! -- Ah! -- I calligg you Bobby, dot Bobby!
TITANIA: Oh, I see. You're calling me Mommy. Well, brace yourself Baby. This one's gonna be all or nothing.
(TITANIA gives the bottle a really big yank. It comes out of BOTTOM'S nose with a pop like a cork from a champagne bottle. TITANIA falls back on her bottom. She sits about face to face with BOTTOM.)
BOTTOM: Oh, thank you, Mommy! I was so afraid with the bottle stuck in my -- ah! -- in my -- ah! ah! Ah-choo!
(When BOTTOM sneezes, a glowing, yellow mist emerges from his nose. The cloud of mist surrounds TITANIA.)
BOTTOM: Ugh... Mommy, I must be 'llergic ta angel potty. It makes me so sneezy.
TITANIA: Oh, no. Oh, no. This isn't good at all. You got it on me, Bottom.
BOTTOM: That not bad, is it Mommy?
TITANIA: It might be really bad, Bottom. Uh-oh. I can feel it happening.
(TITANIA shrinks down to about the size of a ten-year old girl. But her skin becomes plastic. Her beautiful, long, blonde hair becomes sparkly. Her dress retains its Greek style, but it becomes translucent and iridescent, like BOTTOM'S attire. Her skirt shrinks, going up to reveal about half of her bottom, which is now, magically, diapered with a paper diaper. TITANIA still has big, adult breasts.)
BOTTOM: Mommy! You became a diapered dolly!
TITANIA: Oh, no! How can I be a Mommy for you and Radha?
BOTTOM: Well, you still have big boobies! So you can still feed us like a Mommy!
TITANIA: Oh, no, Bottom! I wear diapers now! It feels good, but -- can I still be a Mommy?
BOTTOM: You're still my Mommy! You're my Dolly Mommy!
TITANIA (throws her arms around BOTTOM'S neck): Oh, thank goodness for you, my little Pony Baby! I love you even more than before! And I'll always love you and Radha! (Stands back from BOTTOM.) Bottom, Baby?
BOTTOM: Uh-huh, Mommy?
TITANIA: Am I pretty?
BOTTOM: Mommy, you're beautiful as ever! Your new skin is so neat and smooth and soft!
TITANIA: It's called plastic. It's what dollies are made out of in the future.
BOTTOM: Plastic? Future?
TITANIA: Don't worry about it.
(FLUTE, RADHA, and QUINCE all enter, laughing with each other.)
FLUTE: At last, Quince, you show your perverted side as well! I was starting to think your only perversion, so to speak, was being a *** hag!
QUINCE: Well, at last you know.
FLUTE: Even still. I would never have guessed you like wearing diapers.
QUINCE: I like wearing them. But I potty so much! And I have the hardest time putting them on by myself!
RADHA: Well, cloth diapers are really hard to put on yourself.
QUINCE: I'm so happy that you happened by and were able to help me out, Radha.
RADHA: Hey, I understand what it's like to be a pants-pottier, Baby. But you aren't kidding! When I saw how soaked your diaper was! How were you even able to run with such a potty-soaked diaper between your crotch?
QUINCE: I was barely running. It was more like waddling. And every step I took, it was like, squish! squish!, all over my girl's pee-pee.
RADHA: That actually sounds like it felt good.
QUINCE: It did! But then I started leaking all over the place. I couldn't very well stand around with everybody else while my potty was leaking all over the place.
RADHA: I wish you could have. I would have licked the drops right off your inner thighs!
TITANIA: Radha! How could you say that about another girl?
RADHA: Who was that?
(TITANIA and BOTTOM emerge from the shadows.)
RADHA: Who are you two cuties? Are you fairies?
TITANIA: I'm your Mommy!
RADHA: Mommy! You've turned into some kind of a dolly!
TITANIA: Uh-huh! And this is Bottom!
FLUTE: Bottom! Oh, no! The cutest boy in our troupe! What's become of him?
BOTTOM: I'm a stuffed animal now.
FLUTE: That's not what I mean. I mean, your pee-pee... it's so different. It's huge!
BOTTOM: Oh. I guess so.
FLUTE: No. I mean, you've always been cute in your own bashful, awkward way. But you've never struck me as being, you know, a man. Mostly because your little member was so... little.
BOTTOM: Hey!
RADHA: That's true. When I jacked him off, I was like, Wow! Fits right in the palm of my hand!
FLUTE: How anti-climactic.
BOTTOM: Hey, you guys, stop it! Ah! -- Ah! --
RADHA: I don't know. It was kind of cute. Anyway, he comes like crazy. My hand was just slathered in it.
BOTTOM: Hey, that's not nice! My pee-pee was big en... ah!... enou... ah!...
TITANIA: Uh-oh. I know what that means. Back away from Bottom, everybody! Now!
(EVERYBODY backs away.)
BOTTOM: Ah-choo!!!
(The yellow mist flows out from BOTTOM'S nose again. It doesn't touch anybody. And it soon dissipates.)
RADHA: What was that, Mommy?
BOTTOM: Potty.
RADHA: You potty out of your nose?
BOTTOM: Not my potty. Cupid's potty.
RADHA: Did you pour some of the potty in Bottom's nose, Mommy?
TITANIA: On accident. And not some. All.
RADHA: All?
TITANIA: He was struggling. I dropped the bottle and it stuck in his nose.
RADHA: But why did he turn into a stuffed animal donkey from it?
TITANIA: That's a long story. Actually, I don't think I know the whole story. But what I do know is, his potty-filled sneezes turned me into what I am right now.
FLUTE: Really?
TITANIA: Really.
FLUTE: Oh! (Runs and grabs BOTTOM. Lifts him up.) Sneeze on me, Bottom! Sneeze that Cupid's potty on me!
BOTTOM: I can't. I don't feel 'llergic anymore.
TITANIA: Well, maybe he sneezed it all out.
(LYSANDER runs into the scene.)
LYSANDER: No! No! Leave me alone!
(HELENA and HERMIA run into the scene, struggling to pull their clothes back on.)
HERMIA: Darling! Darling! Come back here! We can explain!
LYSANDER: Explain what? I saw you two, naked, curled up on top of each other! Just licking away!
HERMIA: Lysander, please!
(HERMIA reaches LYSANDER. She softly grabs his arm. LYSANDER turns around.)
HERMIA: Lysander, don't you know how much you mean to me?
LYSANDER (starts weeping a little): I thought, I really thought, that you loved me! I thought we were planning a life together!
HELENA: You two can still plan a life together, Lysander.
LYSANDER: Oh, what? She can live off the fruits of my kingdom while you screw her? What satisfaction do I get out of it?
HERMIA: I'll still make love to you.
LYSANDER: But will you enjoy it?
HERMIA: I don't know.
LYSANDER: I want a wife who enjoys being with me physically! I don't want a wife who fakes liking me while she's really thinking of going down on another girl!
HERMIA: Well, what can I say, Lysander?
HELENA: Right. What can she say, when she really does like going down on me?
LYSANDER: Agh! Why do you want to taunt me with it, Helena?
HELENA: I'm sorry. It's just -- why are you so strong about other things, but you're so touchy about this. I mean, most husbands have wives who fake it. The husbands don't give a care, as long as the wives make them cum. And as long as the wives treat them nicely. So, if Hermia's willing to treat you nicely and make you cum in bed -- and, trust me, I know how good she is at making a person cum -- then what does it matter if I'm the one who gets her off?
LYSANDER: What kind of a hollow, cheap marriage proposition is that?
HELENA: You act just like a little baby, Lysander! You're such a brave soldier, and such a man in so many other ways. Why are you such a grabby, little baby when it comes to this? Anyway, half of Athens knows that Hermia and I are attached at the hip.
FLUTE: The gossip rags call you two cherries on the same stem.
HERMIA: An apt metaphor.
FLUTE: Well, I thought it would have been nice to say twin cherries, stuck together.
HERMIA: A vulgar metaphor.
HELENA: The point is, Lysander, regardless of whether we were lovers --
LYSANDER: Oh!
HELENA: Hermia would still be my pet. And I would always be around, Demetrius or no Demetrius, to hold and stroke my pet. We would spend quite a bit of time in each other's arms. Just like we did growing up. I've known her and loved her for longer than you. For almost as long as I've lived, really. And we planned our lives together. We planned our lives so we could be together.
LYSANDER: So go live your lives. (Begins crying again.) Live your life together and leave me alone! (Buries his face in his hands.)
HERMIA: Lysander, I want you in my life. Isn't it good enough that you're part of my life?
LYSANDER: I don't get it. Why do you want to marry me? And why does that homewrecker want to marry Demetrius?
FLUTE: Ever heard of a beard, dummy?
LYSANDER: A what?
FLUTE: A beard. It's what gay people carry around with them so they don't look gay. Holly**** is full of them. And most of the beards are gay, too!
LYSANDER: Holly... ****?
FLUTE: Sorry -- it's a gossip girl thing. You wouldn't understand.
BOTTOM: Ah! -- ah! --
FLUTE: Oh, no! Our little gold mine is about to sneeze again! Alright, Bottom! Shower me with that potty!
BOTTOM: Ah! -- Ah... Oh! I guess I'm not 'llergic after all!
HELENA: By the way, Flute, you're wrong about the beard thing. The reason Hermia and I wanted Lysander and Demtrius might not be something a gossip girl could understand. You see -- it's kind of like playing dollies, like that little brown-skinned boy over there seems to be doing. We created a fantasy life. We were two happy princes. Well, we needed our princes. It was simple as that. And we needed our kingdoms. Well, we liked Lysander's and Demetrius' kingdoms just fine. And we liked them just fine, too. And so we decided that those boys would be our princes, and that their lands would be our kingdoms. That was our plan. And it still is.
LYSANDER: You make it sound as if everything should just fit into this little game of yours!
HERMIA: But it should, darling? Don't you think it's just such a wonderful, little fantasy story?
LYSANDER: But why should you be in control of everything like that?
HERMIA: Why not?
HELENA: In the end, Lysander, you can run, but you can't hide. Just grow up and accept your fate. Hermia is willing to make you a happy husband. And I'm willing to make her a happy wife. And if you don't take it that way, you won't have it any way at all.
LYSANDER: And Demetrius?
HERMIA: Well, he'll be fucking my Daddy, hopefully.
HELENA: If we can ever get the two of them to hook up.
LYSANDER: You can't really be in control of everything like this!
HELENA: We kind of are.
LYSANDER: Then why did you act so powerless before?
HERMIA: We'd rather appear that way, Lysander, if you don't mind.
FLUTE: Everybody likes to put on an act, I guess. Me, for instance. I like to look all muscular. So people think I'm a real tough chick. But I'm just a dainty broad at heart.
LYSANDER (rushes up and shakes FLUTE): You! You! It's people like you, Flute! Your loose philosophies and craving for trashy news about people's sordid lives! Your demand for this kind of garbage encourages innocent people like Hermia and Helena to act like this!
BOTTOM: Ah! -- Ah! --
FLUTE: You better get your hands off me, bitch! I'll show you what a fight is!
BOTTOM: Ah-choo!
(BOTTOM sprays LYSANDER with a cloud of glowing, yellow mist.)
LYSANDER: What's all this?
BOTTOM: Oh, I guess I am 'llergic.
FLUTE: What the heck, Bottom, you didn't get a single drop on me! (FLUTE throws BOTTOM on the ground.) Go bother somebody else, ass!
BOTTOM: Sorry, Flutey! (BOTTOM crawls over to TITANIA and RADHA.)
LYSANDER (crying profusely): All I wanted, (sniffs), was a wife to wuvv and take care of. (LYSANDER begins shrinking.) What's happening to me? I turning smaller? What happening to my voice! I small! I -- oh! I wearing diaper!
HERMIA: Lysander! My prince!
HELENA: Look at him now! He's the cutest, little seven-year-old boy!
HERMIA: His clothes are all shiny!
HELENA: And his little boy shorts show off that huge diaper of his so obviously.
HERMIA: He's a seven-year-old boy! Isn't he too old for diapers?
HELENA: He must not be able to control his bladder.
HERMIA: How embarrassing.
FLUTE: You two gals are taking this all quite well.
HERMIA: Well, this is the best thing ever!
HELENA: Yeah! A little boy Lysander is so much easier to handle than a big boy Lysander!
HERMIA: And... somehow... he does make me feel a little... aroused, the way he is right now.
HELENA: Oh, god! Gross, Hermia, you pervert! Don't tell me you get horny by looking at little boys!
TITANIA: He's not a little boy. He's an adult little boy.
HELENA: Whoa! Did that dolly just talk?
TITANIA: I'm the Queen Fairy of this forest. I've just been turned into a dolly. And Lysander's been turned into an adult little boy, not a real little boy.
HERMIA: What's the difference?
TITANIA: Well, let's ask Lysander. (TITANIA walks over to LYSANDER.) Hi, Lysander. My name is Titania.
HELENA and HERMIA: Titania!
FLUTE: More like Tinytania, nowadays.
TITANIA: Hey, I kind of like that. What do you think, Lysander. Do you like the name Tinytania?
LYSANDER (sniffs, rubs his eyes, giggles): 'Skind of funny.
TINYTANIA: That's right! (Hugs LYSANDER and tousles his hair a little.)
LYSANDER: You sure has big, warm boobies, for a dolly.
TINYTANIA: That's right! Well, I'm a little babydoll, now. But I still have two babies that I have to be a Mommy for. Radha and Bottom. So I need to have big boobies full of milk, so I can feed my precious babies.
LYSANDER: You has milky boobies?
TINYTANIA: Uh-huh! They're full! Here, touch my booby and tell me if you think it feels full.
LYSANDER: It feels full!
TINYTANIA: Oh, you must like that, Lysander. I feel your new, little boy's pee-pee getting hard and hot, even from under your diaper.
LYSANDER: Uh-huh.
HERMIA: What kind of games are you playing with my Lysander, Tinytania?!
TINYTANIA: Ahem. Sorry. Hey, Lysander, I don't mean to blue-ball you, but let's stop with that game.
LYSANDER: Okay. (Breaks out of embrace with TINYTANIA.)
TINYTANIA: Now, Lysander, do you remember being big?
LYSANDER: Uh-huh.
TINYTANIA: And can you think like you thought when you were a big boy?
LYSANDER: Uh-huh. But don't wanna.
TINYTANIA: Why?
LYSANDER: Cause, I starting to feel it's fun to be wittle!
TINYTANIA: See? Lysander has all his years. He's attained adulthood. He's an adult. His body's just been changed, by magic, to be smaller and softer, more youthful. And even though he can't control his potty anymore -- hence the diaper -- his body does have some other functions that you might think of as adult.
LYSANDER: Like what?
TINYTANIA: Well, if your Mommy Hermia rubs your little boy's pee-pee too much, you'll spray a bunch of white stuff all over her!
HERMIA: You mean, even though he's a little boy --
HELENA: Adult little boy --
HERMIA: He can still make me pregnant?
TINYTANIA: Uh-huh.
HERMIA (cuddles passionately against HELENA): Oh, my god, Baby, I'm so turned on right now. Not only is Lysander more attractive to me than he's ever been. But if I shove that hot, little, silky, wormy pee-pee of his into me, he can get me pregnant!
HELENA: It seems a little like a chihuahua screwing a great dane.
HERMIA: That's exactly what turns me on! Come on, Helena, lets take our baby boy out somewhere and see if he can't put a real baby inside of me!
(HERMIA picks up LYSANDER and cradles him against her breast. She then takes HELENA'S hand.)
LYSANDER: Mommy have nice boobies, too!
HELENA: Well, what am I supposed to do in the situation?
HERMIA: If he can't push into me hard enough, you'll have to help him.
HELENA: How?
HERMIA: From behind.
HELENA: Do you mean... with a strap-on?
(HERMIA nods and winks at HELENA.)
LYSANDER: What a twap-on, Mommy?
HELENA: Oh, your tight, little rear-end is about to find out, Baby.
(Exit HERMIA, HELENA, and LYSANDER.)
FLUTE: Lucky little crybaby. When am I gonna get my ass fucked?
(Enter PUCK and SNOUT, with DEMETRIUS in SNOUT'S arms. SNOUT is naked, except for an enormous pair of pink, frilly panties. DEMETRIUS is also wearing a pair of pink, frilly panties.)
DEMETRIUS: Put me down, you monster!
SNOUT: No way! You're my cutest, little baby!
FLUTE: What?! Demetrius is wearing sissyish underwear after all!
DEMETRIUS: Nobody was supposed to know that! And it doesn't mean I'm gay! It just means I like to be closer to girls!
SNOUT: You're closer to me.
DEMETRIUS: You're not a girl!
SNOUT: What? I'm not a girl? Why, you little! (SNOUT throws DEMETRIUS to the ground.)
DEMETRIUS: Oh, thank god I'm out of that brute's clutches.
SNOUT: Stay away from me, Demetrius! I'm breaking up with you!
DEMETRIUS: Good! Oh, dear god, that did it for me. If Helena wants to marry me, I'll marry her. Helena! Helena! Where is she?
FLUTE: She's out screwing Hermia and a little boy.
TINYTANIA: Adult little boy.
FLUTE: Adult little boy.
PUCK: Who are you three fairies? I'm not sure I know you.
TINYTANIA: I'm sure you know me, Puck. I'm your master's wife.
PUCK: Titania? What's happened to you?
TINYTANIA: Tinytania, now. It's was an accident involving the misplacement of one of my magic potions.
PUCK: But where did the magic potion get placed?
TINYTANIA: In this ass' nose.
BOTTOM: Hi! My name is Bottom!
PUCK: Oh, he's the boy I turned into an ass.
TINYTANIA: So you did it!
PUCK: Did I say I did it? I meant to say I saw someone else do it. Probably your husband. In fact, I'm sure --
FLUTE: Oh, just give up the act, Puck. You know you did it!
PUCK: Oh, can't you lay off, Honey?
FLUTE: Did you just call me Honey?
PUCK (embarrassed, rubs his arm): Um... maybe... on accident.
(FLUTE hugs PUCK and kisses him on the cheek.)
FLUTE: What? Aren't you going to run away?
PUCK: Probably not.
FLUTE: Oh, no! I have a cute, little fairy boy to love! How lucky can a girl get?
PUCK (kind of glumly): How lucky can a little fairy boy get?
FLUTE: But why do you like me?
PUCK: Oh, you know, you've got a good sense of humor. We have that in common. You like making mischief, and you love gossip. So do I. I think we'd be happy together.
FLUTE: Oh! (Kisses PUCK on the cheek a couple times.) I'm so happy.
PUCK (a little glum): I just wish you were a little less, you know, muscular.
(FLUTE pushes PUCK away and hits him on the back of the head.)
FLUTE: Why, you stinky, little brat!
PUCK: What? I'm yours, heart and soul. I can't avoid that. I'm just sayin'...
FLUTE: Well, you know, I might have the cure to my chiseled biceps and ripped abs -- although I think I look terrific in ruby sequins! Get over here, you stuffed ass!
(FLUTE lifts up BOTTOM again and shakes him violently.)
FLUTE: Sneeze! Sneeze, damn you! I want to be a little girl!
SNOUT: Hey! That looks fun!
(SNOUT runs after DEMETRIUS and lifts him up again.)
DEMETRIUS: Hey, come on, Snout! Put me back down!
SNOUT: Uh-uh! I love holding my Sweetie Demetrius!
BOTTOM: Ah! -- Ah! --
FLUTE: Oh! He's going to sneeze again! Come on, Baby! Give your little Flute a little flute!
DEMETRIUS: I thought you said we broke up, Snout!
SNOUT: We got back together, I decided! I can't stay mad at you, Baby!
DEMETRIUS: Oh, lucky me.
(SNOUT runs up to FLUTE, holding out DEMETRIUS.)
SNOUT: Hey, Flute! Look at my new steady!
FLUTE: Get that pantied beefcake away from Bottom's nose, Snout!
BOTTOM: Ah! -- Ah! --
SNOUT: I'll give my baby a good spin!
BOTTOM: Ah-choo!
(SNOUT spins around just as BOTTOM sneezes. BOTTOM'S sneeze mists all over SNOUT'S hairy back.)
FLUTE: No! You stubborn mule! Can't you sneeze on me a little?
BOTTOM: I'm just not 'llergic to you, Flute!
FLUTE: Well, go get a flute shot, and come back to me when you start having a reaction.
(FLUTE throws BOTTOM away. RADHA picks him up and carries him back over to TINYTANIA and QUINCE.)
SNOUT: I feel funny... in a sexy kind of way!
(SNOUT begins shrinking. He turns into a skinny girl with pretty, blonde hair.)
SNOUT: Uh-oh! My britches are getting to big for me!
(SNOUT drops DEMETRIUS. SNOUT holds up her huge panties as she continues shrinking. She grows huge breasts.)
SNOUT: Wow! All my body hair is gone! I'm silky smooth! My voice sure is pretty! But... but... I can't hold it in!
FLUTE: Hold what in, Snout!
SNOUT: I'm gonna have an accident!
(A gush of potty soaks through and begins to spring forth from SNOUT'S gigantic panties, eventually showering onto DEMETRIUS.)
DEMETRIUS: Oh! Gross!
(DEMETRIUS rolls away. QUINCE and RADHA rush up to SNOUT, who is now completely transformed to a cute, skinny adult little girl with huge breasts.)
SNOUT: I'm so embarrassed.
QUINCE: Don't worry, Snout. If you can't hold in your potty, we'll just put you in diapers.
SNOUT: Diapers?
QUINCE: Yeah! They're like ruffly panties, except they feel even more snug and secure, and they have so much more padding on the bottom!
SNOUT: On the bottom?
QUINCE: Yeah! And on the crotch, too!
SNOUT: That sounds pretty!
QUINCE: It is!
RADHA: So just put down those soaked panties, little girl, and we'll get you all nice and changed.
SNOUT: Um... I don't wanna put my panties down.
QUINCE: But don't you wanna wear diapers?
SNOUT: Uh-huh.
QUINCE: Well, we can't put you in diapers until you take off your panties.
SNOUT: But I can't take off my panties. I'm embarrassed.
QUINCE: Why?
SNOUT: It's a secret.
QUINCE: Well, the secrect has to come out sooner or later, little girl, if you want to wear your big, fluffy diapers.
SNOUT: Oh... okay, Quincey.
(SNOUT drops her old, soaked panties to reveal a big penis!)
FLUTE: Whoa! Ha, ha! Same old Snout!
SNOUT: Uh-huh. But I don't wanna be called Snout anymore.
QUINCE: Well, what do you want to be called, Baby?
SNOUT: Snatch.
QUINCE: Well, Snatch is, um... a pretty name.
SNATCH: Thank you. I thought it up all by myself.
FLUTE: Only goes to show that the brain is still same old Snout's adult brain. Right, Tinytania?
TINYTANIA: Yep, Flute. Snatch is an adult little girl, alright.
RADHA: Now, let's get her in a diaper before she potties all over the place.
QUINCE: Radha, while you're doing that, I might get Bottom into a diaper.
BOTTOM: I get to wear a diaper, too? But I'm just a stuffed donkey!
QUINCE: You're a stuffed donkey, baby. But if Mommy Tinytania is just a dolly, and she can make milk -- and make a potty into those diapers she's wearing! -- then I have a bad feeling you can make a potty with that huge, plushy pee-pee of your own.
RADHA: Gosh, I don't know whose pee-pee is bigger, Bottom's or Snatch's!
FLUTE: Well, in the old days, there wasn't even a contest!
SNATCH (laying on her back): I was biggest! But not no more!
RADHA (taping SNATCH into a paper diaper): Hm... We're going to need to teach you how to talk like a lady, Snatch.
SNATCH: I been talking like a lady all my life.
RADHA: Nope. We're gonna have to give you the full Miss Manners Sissy Treatment, I think. Once eveything gets all figured out.
SNATCH: Hey, you put my diaper on so nice, lady! You're really nice! What's your name?
RADHA: Radha. Would you like a pacifier to suck on!
SNATCH: Uh-huh!
FLUTE: Isn't she too old to suck on a pacifier?
RADHA: You're never too old to suck on pacifier. Here you go, Baby.
SNATCH: Thank you! Why are you dressed like a boy, Radha?
RADHA: Oh -- this costume. I'm supposed to be disguised as a little boy named Hippolytus.
PUCK: Oh, don't say that name too loud.
SNATCH: Why are you disguised?
RADHA: To protect my identity from a mean King named Oberon.
TINYTANIA: Oh, no. You've said his name, too.
PUCK: He's bound to show up any time now.
(Enter OBERON.)
OBERON: Ah-hah!
PUCK: Oh, gosh. We're in trouble.
To be continued...
