My Girlfriends Revenge Rated R Just Incase Chapter 1

R My Girlfriends Revenge Rated R Just Incase Chapter 1

Sissybabynicky

A college party turns chaotic for a guys love life when his two girlfriends show up to the same party

Posted on September 16th, 2013 ~ 4:03 am

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This is my first story on this site so any feedback good or bad will be appreciated and if u are going to be super mean about my grammar and punctuation just know I have learning disabilty and English isn't easy for me please enjoy it I hope

LUV BABY NICKY

Character List: (A idea borrowed from Miki Yurami's many wonderful stories of listing the characters first hope u don't mind Miki)

Todd Jones: cheating boyfriend and soon to be baby

Joe Johnson: Todd's best friend might turn into a baby who knows ;)

Karen Hawthorn: Todd's girlfriend maybe a cheater and soon to be mommy

Julie Rhodes: Joe's girlfriend and Karens secret lezbian lover ;)

Trina Lancaster Todd's second girlfriend and soon to be his worst punishment maybe ;)

Will add more characters and bio's once character is established in the story

Chapter One: The Party to End All Party's

Man this party's gonna be sick I can't wait to get a little something something tonight dude. Yeah well try not to go after a girl who's already taken or one of ur girlfriends friends or she's gonna castrate u. Yeah yeah yeah joe I get it try to keep it in my pants but the Andaconda likes find some new jungles to explore. Yeah well Todd if u don't want your Andaconds to get bit u better be careful what holes u poke around. Whatever dude it's a party I want to have fun comewe're here lets party and have some fun already "Todd grabs Joe and pushes him inside unaware that their girlfriends are on their way things are gonna get interesting real fast."

Alright lets party this is gonna be sick Julie I can't wait to do some flirting and maybe Todd's just gonna have to deal with a little disception from me his sweet little baby doll. Yeah ur as sweet as salt Karen. Oh you know you love me Julie we've been friends for years and you haven't complained yet about our time together "Karen kisses Julie on her lips." Yeah well those times are always fun we do both have boyfriends and they shouldn't know that yet though I gotta admit I love our intimate moments far better than the ones with Joe "kisses Karen passionately." This must be the house come on Karen I don't want to miss out on all the fun "Julie grabs Karens arm and heads into the party not knowing their boyfriends are already inside getting busy with some other girls."

Man this party is sick I already know I'm gonna have some fun tonight. Yeah well I'll have fun but not that much I love Julie too much to do what your about to do to Karen and Stacy "Stacy is the other girlfriend Todd has she'll show up soon." Yeah well Karens great and Stacy has her perks too but I don't like to stop at a small number like two for girls another girl will just triple the fun "heads for a girl who's dancing with some friends on the floor." Why do I even try to stop Todd and why am I still letting this go on I shoulda told Stacy and Julie about him cheating by now god I'm a terrible friend to them "walks off contemplating what to do." "Todd reaches the dance floor" hey beautiful I gotta say u dance pretty good probably the best dancer here but I bet u can't out maneuver me on the dance floor I got some moves. Well you talk a big game little boy and now I gotta see what u can bring to the table but first it better be a name don't you have a manners and know how to treat a lady. Oh sorry miss my name is Bonds James Bonds "both laugh" nah my names Todd Todd Jones and u my lovely godess are. My name is Trina Trina Lancaster and its a pleasure to meet u now shut up and show me your moves u punk a** mamas boy. As u wish Daddy's little princess.

U dance pretty well for a girl Trina I'm impressed and I'm not easily impressed. I don't know whether to say thank you kiss u or smack u but I gotta admit ur pretty light on ur feet for someone of ur build. So u wanna go do what we really came here for or are we gonna waste our six month anniversary downstairs. Alright I made u wait long enough it's time to plant our relationship. Both rush upstairs to a bedroom to get physical meanwhile downstairs Karen has spotted Joe and knows that means Todd's here.

Karen goes up behind Joe and says JOE and grabs him being scared easily drops his drink all over his pants making it look like he peed himself. Karen what the hell woman why would u do that. Because its funny and it looks like u wet your pants. Keep it down Karen your attracting too much attention. Speaking of intention where's Todd I know if your here he's here so where's my boyfriend. I don't know and after scaring me like that go f**k off and find him yourself you b*t*h. Julie comes up behind Joe and says Joeseph Aly Johnson how dare u insult my friend like that and what did u do did u pee yourself. I can explain everything Julie. No u can't we are leaving no pulls him by his ear out of the party to her car and back to her apartment.

This is gonna be fun Trina I can't wait for seconds. You gotta have firsts first Todd. Yeah whatever this is gonna be the perfect night. Karen is heading upstairs and hears Todd and opens the door with Todd naked on top of her worst enemy Trina just about to do it. Oh my Fu**n GOD what the hell do you think you are doing Todd we are dating and here I see u with this skanky hoe I cannot believe u would do this to me u are in so much teouble for this. Oh hey Karen I've been meaning to tell you this f**k you I'm dumping you from Trina I'm also kicking you out of the apartment now leave I'm alittle busy trying to have sex with my girlfriend who's way hotter than you r. Trina speaks up yeah u bitch just like every other time I'm on top and this time on on top of the man you wanted to marry this has to suck for u well too bad now leave I got a man to please. Karen punches Trina out grabs Todd by his ear after giving him his pants and says we are leaving and your in so much trouble. They leave the party Karen yelling the entire time. Just wait Todd this time u went too far your gonna get it this time to won't go back to cheating at all.

Chapter Two: Bad Boyfriends Big Punishment

il continue the story later tell me what u think so far if u got any suggestions on what u wanna see tell me I might just use em and give u a shoot out for it

LUV BABY NICKY

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Baby Butch

Posted September 19th, 2013 ~ 5:41 am

Sounds like a pretty rough crowd at the party.

Nice beginning to your story, yes you should continue.

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krystalasbaby

Posted September 19th, 2013 ~ 7:32 am

Very interesting. I can see with their gf's showing up they going to get caught. Can not wait till next chapter.

krystala's sissy baby

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Sissybabynicky

Posted September 20th, 2013 ~ 1:54 am

Glad u all like my story I guess I'm not messing up too bad I hope to add alittle every couple of days but for now with me starting a new job it'll take a bit to write the end of this chapter doing it two sided like I am but I think it's the only way to show this cheating calamady properly

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krystalasbaby

Posted September 21st, 2013 ~ 8:34 am

I agree with Butch the crowd seems kind of rough, but heck it is different than alot of other stories. Please continue. Looking forward to the next chapter

krystala's sissy baby

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AlyssaDee

Posted September 22nd, 2013 ~ 6:14 pm

Off to a wonderful start. I like the back and forth between the characters. Let's see chapter two as soon as you can.

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sissymissyct

Posted September 25th, 2013 ~ 4:31 am

I don't normally review stories, but I needed to say something about this one.

If a college student actually wrote this they should go back to junior high grammar classes. Did you ever hear of "sentences", or punctuation?

It seemed like there was a good premise for a story but I had to stop after a few paragraphs.
There are many that will help you to improve your writing. Please seek them out.

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Andlat

Posted September 25th, 2013 ~ 3:51 pm

Perfect grammar is not a necessity, but there were several times when I completely lost track of who was speaking because there was no differentiation between speakers. Further, without punctuation, the story's flow is all screwy and rushes by so quickly that I can hardly even remember the actions of the first chapter. Our brains are wired to use punctuation to substitute for the natural pauses in conversation. No punctuation makes it seem like rambling.
If you would like, I would be happy to help you out with proofreading. I believe that this story would get a a lot of interest if only it were a tad bit more legible. :)

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Sissybabynicky

Posted September 25th, 2013 ~ 11:39 pm

Il take any help I can get as I said in the intro I have a learning disability and am not good at English so if u could proof reed it is really appreciate it

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Sarah Marina

Posted October 20th, 2013 ~ 1:49 pm

I actually like your style of moving the story with mostly character interactions (speaking). Miki does it very well. I also like intertwined story lines, but keeping multiple lines straight is not always a simple task. You have great spirit for putting up a story while admitting your writing weaknesses. Since you requested input, I've taken your first two paragraphs as an example and "translated" them for easier reading while trying to keep the flow and intensity of your work. If you find this useful or helpful, that would be awesome. I've hesitated in the past from offering this type of input to others, but I would really like to know if anyone appreciates it.
Key changes: Quotes, Punctuation, Guiding the reader, Spacing, Spelling

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"Man this party's gonna be sick! I can't wait to get a little something tonight dude." exclaims Todd.

"Yeah, well try not to go after a girl who's already taken or one of your girlfriends friends or she's gonna castrate you."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Joe. I get it. Try to keep it in my pants. But the anaconda likes to find some new jungles to explore"

"Yeah, well, Todd, if you don't want your anaconda to get bit, you better be careful what holes you poke around."

"Whatever dude. It's a party! I want to have fun. Come on, we're here. Let's party and have some fun already."

Todd grabs Joe and pushes him inside, unaware that their girlfriends are on their way. Thing are gonna get interesting real fast. Meanwhile...

"Alright! Let's party! This is gonna be sick, Julie." screeches Karen. "I can't wait to do some flirting and maybe Todd is just gonna have to deal with a little deception from me, his sweet little baby doll."

"Yeah, you're as sweet as salt, Karen."

"Oh, you know you love me Julie. We've been friends for years and you haven't complained yet about our time together."

Karen kisses Julie on her lips.

"Yeah, well those times are always fun. We do both have boyfriends, and they shouldn't know that yet. Though, I gotta admit I love our intimate moments far better than the ones with 'Joe kisses Karen passionately'. This must be the house. Come on, Karen. I don't want to miss out on all the fun."

Julie grabs Karen's arm and they head into the party not knowing their boyfriends are already inside getting busy with some other girls.

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AlyssaDee

Posted October 20th, 2013 ~ 5:22 pm

That really does make it easier to read. I hope you can collaborate on this story . The story ideas a sound and interesting, It just does need proper punctuation. I would love to read more of this story and would love to read the confrontation scene with the added punctuation.

Alyssa Dee ... Once upon a time, an evil witch turned an ugly prince into a frog. Then came a Good Mommy Witch who kissed the frog and turned him into her Beautiful Baby Princess, and they lived Happily Ever After.

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Sarah Marina

Posted October 21st, 2013 ~ 12:41 am

I hope this interpretation of the rest of the first chapter is helpful.
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Inside, at the party...

"Man, this party is sick. I already know I'm gonna have some fun tonight." says Todd.

"Yeah, well I'll have fun, but not that much. I love Julie too much to do what you're about to do to Karen and Stacy"

Joe knows about Todd's other girlfriend, who is also on her way to the party.

"Yeah, well Karen's great, and Stacy has her perks too, but I don't like to stop at a small number like two for girls when another girl will just triple the fun."

Todd heads for a girl who's dancing with some friends on the floor.

Joe thinks to himself "Why do I even try to stop Todd, and why am I still letting this go on? I shoulda told Stacy and Julie about him cheating by now. God, I'm a terrible friend to them." He walks off while contemplating what to do.

Todd reaches the dance floor.

"Hey beautiful! I gotta say, you dance pretty good... probably the best dancer here. But I bet you can't out-maneuver me on the dance floor. I got some moves."

"Well, you talk a big game little boy. And now I gotta see what you can bring to the table, but first it better be a name. Don't you have manners and know how to treat a lady?"

"Oh, sorry miss. My name is Bonds, James Bonds." They both laugh. "Nah, my name's Todd, Todd Jones... and you, my lovely goddess are?"

"My name is Trina, Trina Lancaster, and it's a pleasure to meet you. Now shut up and show me your moves, you punk a** mama's boy."

"As you wish, Daddy's little princess."

Todd and Trina dance together for awhile.

"You dance pretty well for a girl, Trina. I'm impressed and I'm not easily impressed." says Todd.

"I don't know whether to say 'thank you', kiss you, or smack you, but I gotta admit you're pretty light on your feet for someone with your build."

"So, you wanna go do what we really came here for, or are we gonna waste our six month anniversary downstairs?"

"Alright. I made you wait long enough. It's time to plant our relationship."

They both rush upstairs to a bedroom to get physical. Meanwhile, downstairs, Karen has spotted Joe and knows that means Todd is here. Karen creeps up behind Joe and screams "JOE!!" as she grabs him. Joe, being scared easily, drops his drink all over his pants making it look like he peed himself.

"Karen! What the hell, woman? Why would you do that?"

"Because it's funny and it looks like you wet your pants."

"Keep it down Karen. You're attracting too much attention.

"Speaking of intention, where's Todd? I know if you're here, he's here, so where's my boyfriend?"

"I don't know. And after scaring me like that, go f**k off and find him yourself you b*t*h."

Julie comes up behind Joe and says "Joseph Aly Johnson! How dare you insult my friend like that. And what did you do? Did you pee yourself?!"

"I can explain everything Julie." pleads Joe.

"No you can't! We are leaving." Julie pulls him by his ear out of the party to her car and back to her apartment.

Upstairs...

"This is gonna be fun Trina. I can't wait for seconds."

"You gotta have firsts, first, Todd."

"Yeah, whatever. This is gonna be the perfect night."

As Karen is heading upstairs, she hears Todd and opens the door with Todd naked on top of her worst enemy, Trina, just about to do it.

"Oh my Fu**n God! What the hell do you think you are doing? Todd, we are dating and here I see you with this skanky hoe. I cannot believe you would do this to me. You are in so much trouble for this."

"Oh, hey Karen, I've been meaning to tell you this - 'f**k you'. I'm dumping you for Trina and I'm also kicking you out of the apartment. Now leave. I'm a little busy trying to have sex with my girlfriend who's way hotter than you are.

Trina speaks up. "Yeah, you b*t*h. Just like every other time I'm on top, I'm on top of the man you wanted to marry. This has to suck for you. Well, too bad. Now leave, I've got a man to please."

Karen punches Trina out, then grabs Todd by his ear after giving him his pants and says "We are leaving, and you're in so much trouble." They leave the party, Karen yelling the entire time. "Just wait Todd. This time you went too far. You're gonna get it this time so you won't go back to cheating at all."

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AlyssaDee

Posted October 27th, 2013 ~ 6:38 pm

That was wonderful. much improved. Sorry it took me so long to get back here, but I have been kind of under the weather lately. I cannot wait for more. Love the way it is going.

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Sissybabynicky

Posted November 18th, 2013 ~ 7:53 am

I appreciate the help with my story a lot as u so kindly put it I do have a weakness and its nice to get some feedback and I love mikis style of writing her stories inspired me to try sissy story writing maybe u can proof read my new chapters I wrote so I can move ahead to the cheaters getting babyied sissified and the girls more intimate lol

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