in my own world
in my own world
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now 8 months later and i have my flat in east London all alone if it wasn't for my brother.
my mum told me to do one not long after telling her she after all these years had another daughter she dident know about and she is called Becky.
i am seeing an NHS therapist called Ben ,
all the way through my life its been doctors and professionals of all walks of life pushing me around.
i have been to spectrum twice in Camden in full on dress.
what a remarkable experience i had.
sitting near the window on the train i heard someone say niiiiiiiiiice .
i turned my head right and seen a 5 ft 4in in a white zip up top and such a beaming white smile nodding seemingly with his approval in his desire for woman.
in my head i was like yeeeeaaaaaaah .... but in defensive reaction i look back out the window.
is he still there ?
is he going to sit down on the spare seat ?
do i speak and let my shamefully DEEP voice burst his bubble ?
i look back
naaaaaa ........ he has moved on.
did he really know?
i stand up altering my Gray and speckled beanie hat and tighten my ridicules long red woollen scarf covering my nose and mouth from the -1 tempriture out side .
my new shiny shoes clacking down the carriage i feel my thick black tights are slipping again.
having such soft legs has its downfalls.
my black chiffon dress is my favourite choice.
but to pull tights up...... i need a crow bar.
so i leave them alone until i find the toilet.
i love my petite jacket i bought and had altered to fit , but to take off is such a faff around and then do back up and feel confident enough to dive out and mirror and manoeuvres to the door.
mission accomplished and feeling really pleased with my self standing on the bus and hearing a male voice gently say 'what's up '
and a female voice whisper ' transgender'
POOF.
life once again. back to reality , defences up , alarm activating , sniper in position ,
one day , i keep telling myself,
i had a dream i walked in wh smiths and browsed passed rally driving and canoeing and picked up be a woman .
it cost one million pounds and had an advisory on it.
THIS IS GOING TO HURT
i put it back .
i keep scanning for cost effective simple ways to cut down time getting ready.
my biggest fear is some builder with hairy tits , beard , and looking red light ,
i want elegance and style and drown this foul mouth rouge one of the lads wanna be who am kidding.
i walk down the street as a boy feeling the turbulence like butterfly effect half way around the world.
as ME. as Becky , i feel could charm and settle even the most terrified passenger on a B.A flight to America feeling first class in economy.
that any boyfriend would laugh at any advances and say 'you have no idea what i got waiting for me when i get in tonight'
i walk out side terrified ready to fight a mugger or worse.
i seen this bike blue and white. very very nice .
he gets off in full tight leather and pulls his lid off and such a smile.
have you got a light he asks.
sorry , i don't smoke.
i still see him riding around .
i got a nod off him sitting at the lights after.
totally dreamy.
once.......
a taxi driver asked me how someone can look like a girl and talk like man?
i was crushed from the inside .
im so confused how to act or take advances.
do i want to repair the boy i was born with tail ....or
be the girl i aspire to be but society will hammer me or homophobic people would kill me or my imagination has run away with its self.
i love Becky more than i love the boy.
i think if Becky came out that you would too.
hi sweeties.
have a wonderful day and please read my posts and it would be very nice if you could write a comment of how it was for you 
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