In April, I allowed myself permission to find joy. Lose the defenses I had built against myself. Start exploring what I had just looked into from the stands. It was big for me, I started exploring age play, just for fun. I was providing support and assurance and motivation for two AB Guys. It was long distance, but it allowed me to experience and to provide. I was the caregiver because I would assume that with me, I would be the one in charge, responsible. And I did a good job of it. But then, it started to happen-exploration for myself in to the freeing feeling of regressing,
With some kind hypnotists, I fully had the experience of being five and playing computer games, while they busied themselves with their other tasks. I loved it. I was this excitable little guy. It was great.
Then, I continued, very privately online with someone I trusted in europe, we started to play that he was making the big macho guy into a baby against my will. It was fun, and it was a match for a shared experience. But I found myself curious. And from curious to trying somethings, alone, that would indicate going younger than five. I was being freed. It is great. But I can become frightened, but I'm not, because I'm not controlling it. My conscious seems to be creating what it wants and desires in order to be happy. My pleasure in giving over control and submitting to someone else, it is paramount at times.
Which brings me to this moment. Here. Surrounded by this pink. My whole childhood I was made to feel ashamed. Ashamed for something I could no more control than I could my eye color. I used to dress up as a girl, always. I would only play with the other little girls, cause it was what I was, I suppose.
I hid that and smashed that part of me down. But I have a treasure in panties and lingerie made for a man's shape, just right over there. Dresses, jewelry, lace. And it has given me happiness to go and slip them on. But I never thought, I mean I never allowed myself to even have it as an option. Could I be opening the two things I've been denied, the freedom of playing as a kid, and what if that kid was that little girl that I used to be.
I can't believe it.
How far is all this going to go.