You might ask why I am doing this instead of just waiting, and that's a good question that deserves a response (even before you ask), so let me give you a little background. I have always known I was female. When I was 5, it really started manifesting itself, and while I had a good friend (female) who was supportive (along with her mother), my parents were not so much. This was during the time that they were using a type of adversion therapy to "straighten" little gurls out and make them behave like little boys should (you can Google it if you like, it's been proven ineffective). Well, the behavior modification was successful, at least on the outside (beating little gurls to "fix" them is such an outstanding idea, after all, nothing like negative reinforcement to torment the daughter you don't want). I played football (varsity starter), served in Desert Shield/Desert Storm, and all that "manly" bullshit, but it never changed who I really was. I have been depressed and somewhat suicidal to suicidal for over 20 years over this, and with the procedures in the last two years, it has gotten worse. Usually they talk about suicidal people having a "plan" on how they would commit the act. I have the materials for seven different "plans" around all the time, and I just can't take it anymore. Anti-Depressants, Anti-Psychotics, Anti-Everythings haven't worked, and after 3 days, I feel a sense of calm developing that I have never felt before, and I feel "normal" for the first time since I was a little gurl.
I realize that there are possible serious consequences to what I am doing, and I DO NOT suggest or imply that anyone else should try or even consider what I am doing. It's very dangerous, I know I could die at some point from it, but I just can't take it anymore. Desperation makes us do stupid things, sometimes. If I don't follow this course of action, I'll probably die anyways, from somnething self-inflicted. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't really expect anyone to understand where I am coming from, just understand that this is my "last chance", and I will get medical care as soon as it's possible. If you want to yell at me and call me stupid or whatever, fine. Flame away. Do what you need to do. I just needed say what was going on and why I'm doing this. I've been on hormones for three days, and had my first orgasm in 22 years, since the original back injury. I feel much calmer (although I'm bawling as I type this). n I feel like me. Yes, it's a stupid thing to do, but I'm pretty much out of options.
It's taken a long time and a lot of thought to come to this decision. I don't know what else to say except maybe "stupid is as stupid does". Well, I'm stupid then, but if something bad happens, at least I get to feel like myself for a little while, and to me, at least, that's worth something.