Starting on Hormones

PG Starting on Hormones

SerenaRaquel

Posted on January 4th, 2013 ~ 6:31 pm

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I've been gone from SK for a long time, back now, very long story. I started on hormones, it's been a few days. I'm currently on Estradiol, 1 mg/day in divided doses, working my way up to 2 mg/day (divided) in small steps. It will probably take a month to six weeks to get up to the target dose, maybe longer depending on how well I tolerate it. Planning on 200 mg Prometrium once a day for 10 days on days 21-30 of the month. Not currently using an andogen blocker, I need the transition to happen slowly at this point. I'm not using an endo, and yes, I DO realize the dangers of what I am doing. Planning to get an endo in a few months, not possible at this point in time due to other things going on (insurance changes and waiting times, still recovering from 4 spinal procedures in the last two years, paying off hospital bills, keeping my house...). I bought the hormones (don't ask where) before my last round in the hospital, they haven't expired.

You might ask why I am doing this instead of just waiting, and that's a good question that deserves a response (even before you ask), so let me give you a little background. I have always known I was female. When I was 5, it really started manifesting itself, and while I had a good friend (female) who was supportive (along with her mother), my parents were not so much. This was during the time that they were using a type of adversion therapy to "straighten" little gurls out and make them behave like little boys should (you can Google it if you like, it's been proven ineffective). Well, the behavior modification was successful, at least on the outside (beating little gurls to "fix" them is such an outstanding idea, after all, nothing like negative reinforcement to torment the daughter you don't want). I played football (varsity starter), served in Desert Shield/Desert Storm, and all that "manly" bullshit, but it never changed who I really was. I have been depressed and somewhat suicidal to suicidal for over 20 years over this, and with the procedures in the last two years, it has gotten worse. Usually they talk about suicidal people having a "plan" on how they would commit the act. I have the materials for seven different "plans" around all the time, and I just can't take it anymore. Anti-Depressants, Anti-Psychotics, Anti-Everythings haven't worked, and after 3 days, I feel a sense of calm developing that I have never felt before, and I feel "normal" for the first time since I was a little gurl.

I realize that there are possible serious consequences to what I am doing, and I DO NOT suggest or imply that anyone else should try or even consider what I am doing. It's very dangerous, I know I could die at some point from it, but I just can't take it anymore. Desperation makes us do stupid things, sometimes. If I don't follow this course of action, I'll probably die anyways, from somnething self-inflicted. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't really expect anyone to understand where I am coming from, just understand that this is my "last chance", and I will get medical care as soon as it's possible. If you want to yell at me and call me stupid or whatever, fine. Flame away. Do what you need to do. I just needed say what was going on and why I'm doing this. I've been on hormones for three days, and had my first orgasm in 22 years, since the original back injury. I feel much calmer (although I'm bawling as I type this). n I feel like me. Yes, it's a stupid thing to do, but I'm pretty much out of options.

It's taken a long time and a lot of thought to come to this decision. I don't know what else to say except maybe "stupid is as stupid does". Well, I'm stupid then, but if something bad happens, at least I get to feel like myself for a little while, and to me, at least, that's worth something.

Serena Raquel

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SerenaRaquel

Posted January 6th, 2013 ~ 9:49 pm

Well, it's been a couple of days, I'm feeling alittle better. Still on the start dosages, not planning to up anything for at least a week to ten days. Then it will be nice and easy. Still trying to get over a lot of the things that have happened recently, but I'm doing a little better about all of it. Sometimes life is hard, but it could be a lot worse. Hoping to hear from the insurance soon, so I can get in to see an endo and get some counseling. The company I work for made some massive insurance changes effective the beginning of the year, still trying to wade through all of that and see what kind of coverage (if any) I'm gonna have going forward. Hopefully will find out something this week at work. No physical changes as of yet, which is probably a good thing. I want to have them, they just need to happen slowly. I'm still on heparin, which should help prevent any DVT from forming, plus the oxycodone (which has been perpetual for about 4 years now), and Lyrica for the neuropathy from all the procedures and the nerve damage. Won't add in any Prometrium until later, I don't think. No sense in pushing my luck any further than I already am, and don't think it will matter too much until I start developing.

I don't plan on doing any daily updates at this point in time, as things will be happening slowly (except in my head, where it matters most in my case), but I'll provide updates on a regular basis. I'll also fill everyone who's interested in on what all has been happening and why I chose this route later on, once I havbe processed it and have a little more peace. Unfortunately, Serena hasn't reached a real serene point with everything quite yet, but I'm getting there, so in time...

Thanks to everyone who took the time to look at this. I appreciate the support, even if you don't want to comment. Just knowing someone cares enouogh to look helps me a lot.

Love,

Serena Raquel

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SerenaRaquel

Posted January 10th, 2013 ~ 12:27 pm

Hi All! Hope you are all doing well. Just thought I would check in and let you girls know what is going on. Going to stay with the current regieme for a little longer. I'm having some problems with one of my over-the-counter parts to my transition, namely, I'm having a hard time giving up the cigarettes. It's a bad habit I picked up a long time ago, and I've never quite been able to quit. I've tried many times, and I'm working on it now. Due to the risks of DVT, I'm going to stay where I am hormone-wise until I get this completely beat. I got some nicotine gum (for free from the State through a smoking cessation program), and it helps, but I'm still being a bad girl on and off when it comes to smoking. I'm feeling good right now, mood is pretty stable, figure I had not push my luck any further than I already am. Gonna try to go all day without having one, and going to hold my hormone doses as they are until I can go at least a week without one. I think if I can make it a week, then I'll be in a good spot to quit for good.

Still have a feeling of calm and peace that I didn't have before. Things on the homefront are settling down a bit, looks like my closest relationship is not going to come raining down around my head over me starting to transition, but it has not been the easiest thing to work through. It helps that she has known about my feeling of who I am since before we were married, but it still has not been an easy start to everything for either of us, and I expect that there will be some more bumps in the road. It's not easy being me sometimes, but I can't change who I am. I've been trying for a long time to be who other people want me to be, and it's driven me to the brink on many occasions. I'm honestly lucky to still be here. I'm also looking into going to counseling again. I had a good counselor several years ago, but had to stop seeing them when I had to move for my job . I wasn't able to find anyone I liked in my current location, so I gave up looking. Think it might be time to start looking again.

I did splurge a little bit on my birthday. I don't have a lot of resources at the moment, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel on that front. I spent about $50.00 on myself, I got a beautiful pink lipstick from ULTA to wear around the house, and I got my belly button pierced. I think it looks really cute, and I have some earrings that match. I've had my ears pierced for years, first just the left ear, then later on the right, and eventually I got them double-pierced.

Anyway, I've rambled on long enough, thanks again for your support!

Love,

Serena

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SerenaRaquel

Posted January 18th, 2013 ~ 3:40 am

Well, It's been about a week since I last posted. Things are going fairly well. Still working on the smoking, but I'm down to about 15 a day (from 40). The gum I got from the State through their smoking cessation program is helping out a lot, it's mainly times like when I first get up and have coffee that are giving me trouble now. Hopefully I can get this kicked pretty soon. Insurance is sorted out, so now I have to go and find a endo. If I can't find one I like, then I'll have to go out of network, which will cost more, but it'll probably be worth it in the end. I have a bit of a quandry related to this one. My present doctor has been really good, but probably won't deal well with me transitioning. He was really good with all of the back surgeries and other stuff. Should I try and approach him about transitioning, or just go find a new PCP without telling him about it? Any advice is welcome. I have other family members that see him, so I don't want to cause too much trouble on that front and have a negative reaction to me transitioning have a backlash on them.

Still looking for a counselor. So far, not too much luck finding an individual, but I did find out there is a TG group and center not too terribly far away, so I'm going to put on my big girl panties and go check it out. Not sure how much it costs, but I have a little money stuck in my rainy day fund (very little), but I think I can afford to go see if it might be a good fit. The first meeting is free in any case, so I don't have anything to lose. The money front is improving as well, should be in decent shape in another 3-4 pay periods.

No negative effects from the regieme, which is a good thing. I had to bump up some of my other meds (percoset and tramadol), which isn't an issue at this point. More worried about if there is a change in my other meds, hence the need to find a doc I can work with.

My new piercing is healing well, and looks super-cute! A friend of mine (GG) got hers done at the same time and had a reaction to the metal. It got huge! The swelling was unreal, and the red spot was bigger than a coffee cup. They ended up having to replace it with a plastic one, which stopped the allergic reaction, she's doing a lot better with it now. It happens on occasion. If you are getting a piercing, I suggest you pop the extra $5 or whatever and get a titanium one instead of the stainless. I also won a free tattoo (I have several), so I'm gonna get my name (not the one I'm legally stuck with at the moment) tattooed as part of an armband. I need to figure out how to work all of this out, as some of my work is not of a very feminine nature. There's 3 in particular I need to figure out.

Kisses!

Serena Raquel

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