The Inescapable Euphoria Trapped Inside My Head:


For some idiotic reason, I don't think I will ever be totally happy or completely satisfied until I am forced to my knees and made to suck a cock until I swallow every drop of sperm it can provide. Additionally, I think I will most likely die long before I ever realize this extreme fantasy and probably for good reason. It is not something that is likely to happen any time soon and most likely will never occur in any kind of fashion where the circumstances are favorable enough to allow such activity without destroying all that I have worked for my entire life.


To start with, it would require just the right situation which is nearly impossible because it requires the cooperation of several people and the reasoning behind it is just as important as the act itself. I I am completely convinced that the entire episode would be misunderstood and never be able to work in the first place. The biggest factor is that it requires the right head-space for all the participants and that is unlikely because the entire motivation would be misinterpreted from the get-go. I am certain that nearly everyone would believe that it had something to do with some latent or hidden desire I had to couple with another male which is the last thing I would ever want to do. Most people would believe that I had this urgent desire to do something that I thought was so unacceptable that I wanted to shed the responsibility for it by claiming that I was forced to do it. That seems to be a common misconception among many whom I have discussed this topic with. I can easily see where this would be a very common goal for many people but in my particular situation, it is the last thing on my mind.


I don't really have any phobias about mating with another male so much as I have never been able to develop any desire in that activity. I have, in fact, initiated several attempts to have a little fun or playtime with a close companion who was either gay or bisexual and was curious as to whether we might be able to entertain ourselves in this fashion. But in each instance, I was left with a very unsatisfying or even boring attempt to attain any pleasure and every attempt ended in my failure to complete any action. It was as though I was trying to do something with someone who just wasn't actually there. The closest I ever came was when I tried my best to imagine that the other guy was really a girl and even that didn't last long enough to provide any type of climax of any sort. I have always been left with an empty or just unsatisfied result to every attempt I have made in this direction.


It seems to be very difficult for anyone who doesn't see it or understand it from my perspective but I know there are a few individuals that do understand. There seems to be something about utter humiliation when it comes directly from the very entity that I long to please or couple with. So, if there is a beautiful girl or group of girls involved, then and only then can I realize the type of humiliation that generates the extreme excitement necessary to make the act such an incredible turn-on. And even then, the face of the male involved always seems to be a blur in my fantasies because my attention is focused on the Mistress or girl that is directing the situation. The fantasy that I always imagine must contain certain elements in order for me to achieve the level of excitement necessary to complete the action. And this participation of the female has to be very specific because I have found that it is impossible for some girls to fake it or try to emulate the necessary responses in order to get me and keep me excited. There is no way just any girl could initiate this act and bring forth a conclusion that was expected unless she started out with a certain mindset that is required to make the whole scenario a success. If I were to encounter a sadistic Dominatrix who genuinely got excited at the prospect of forcing a straight male to do something so humiliating that it brought that male to tears, then and only then could I achieve the necessary level of excitement to complete the daunting task that would forever be imprinted on my mind. This Dominatrix could go about it in several different ways including making it known that she, herself, got extremely excited to the point where her panties would become so wet or that she would have to play with herself because she was so excited from just watching me perform for her. This would probably be the simplest form of humiliation and could also be achieved by a group of girls even if no single specific girl were to be the instigator. If a group of girls were to catch me in a compromising situation and then use that to force me to perform for them, I could see myself doing some very humiliating things just to win their favor even if all that meant was to have them keep the situation a secret.


Perhaps the best way to describe it from my perspective would be to say that in my mind, I would be so enthralled with the concept that if I were to please them enough, I could possible win some favor of personal reward from them even if said reward were no more than my being allowed to relieve myself in their company. Of course, my ultimate desire would be to win the privilege of being able to have an intimate relationship with one of these girls. My entire head-space would be saturated with the idea that if I performed well enough, that she would then grant me the small favor of allowing me to satisfy my lustful and carnal desire with them in some crude or inappropriate way. I have always dreamed of doing some very tasteless things with a girl which I think is common among many males. But in my case, I think I get hung up on certain ideas like thinking about what a girl is thinking when I hold her sweet face in my hands as I push myself deep into her throat and while not concerning myself over her immediate comfort or whether she can breath at all, I get completely carried away with the sensation of watching her suffer as I pump my load straight down her throat and into her innocent and unsuspecting tummy. I feel it has something to do with the fact that much of what I pump into her has a good chance of becoming a permanent part of her as her body tends to absorb much of it and thus, allows me to believe that I am part of her forever. This, along with the fact that I like to imagine these scenarios to occur back in my youth as I was just becoming of age and the associated females with their own naive approach to puberty.


I want so badly to “hurt” a girl this way but the term “hurt” is very important also. It requires that I intend no physical harm and the only “hurt” is the incredible humiliation that she receives in knowing that there is nothing she can ever do to eliminate the fact that I am now part of her and that she can never rid herself of what I place inside her. I do not believe in physical pain and I have never been into the spanking thing or anything that causes lasting distress. Momentary discomfort is okay as long as it leaves no lasting marks or complications that can't be bathed away. When I dream about hurting a young girl, at the very worst, it means that I would enjoy tying her up, spread eagle, on a soft bed with padded cuffs on her wrists and ankles in such a way that she is in no physical discomfort at all. And then my most forceful and distressing action would be the slow and gentle penetration of her body, making sure that if it were in such an orifice as her backside, I would use plenty of lube and do my best to dilate her first. But the most intense pain that I would want her to experience would be the torture of feeling my tongue ravage her after she had already climaxed and her parts were in that extremely sensitive state that lasts for a little while. And then, I would be forced to be careful not to over-do it and I would have to make sure that she wasn't pushed beyond a point to where she couldn't recover a few minutes later and want me to repeat my painful treatment again.


My desire in this area is so intense that I feel guilty for craving it so much. And it is this craving that I believe has led to my fantasies about having the roles reversed so that I am the one in place of her and she is in control of the situation and is forcing me to experience the very same sensations that I have imposed upon her. I never imagine myself as a girl. I only see myself as a guy who is at the mercy of a girl who wants to punish me either for acts that I have committed or for those acts that guys in general commit against girls and that I am a stand-in or that I represent what this girl dislikes and that I am suppose to bare the responsibility and punishment that is necessary for this girl to receive some satisfaction. So, if this girl is able to achieve some level of pleasure and satisfaction from my discomfort or humiliation, then I can't help but get extremely excited at the prospect of doing what ever it is that turns her on. This could be as simple and as private as her desire to use a strapon to penetrate me in both my mouth and backside or even as horribly humiliating as submitting to her as she demonstrates her control over me in front of her girlfriends by having me taken in both ends by a couple of boyfriends while she and her friends sit and watch and make humiliating gestures and remarks about how pathetic I am.


So, I have to wonder, just how common is my style of fantasy as compared to those males who genuinely wish that they were females and desire a relationship with another guy. I have to believe that there are quite of few people just like me and that my style of fantasy might be the most difficult to persuade and impose upon the general public. I even believe that the entire infantile concept may be more acceptable as a fetish that is understandable because it involves a lot of psyche that can be seen as a general longing for the treatment and behavior of a mother and child relationship whereas the sissy concept that I envision surrounds a purely sexual or mindset that revolves around lust and therefore is much more obscene and difficult to pull off in public. So I think guys who fantasize about sex the way I do have a much more difficult time expressing their desires and views. I like to think that what I think is fairly common but just the hardest to talk about. It is something that I don't even feel comfortable talking to about with other guys even if they are into the same style fantasy. My biggest rush comes from talking about it with the rare female who is genuinely interested in this kind of relationship. I happen to think they are few and far between but occasionally, a female responds to this kind of sexual advancement and when she does, I can't help but feel that she gets bombarded with comments and attempts at making connections that she often gets frightened or irritated. It would have to be very difficult for a female to be openly selective without coming off as being rude for having to be so direct. I suspect it is extremely difficult for this kind of female and yet, I think it can be genuinely rewarding if she does find a compatible male who is willing to let her do just about anything she wants for her own pleasure. I like to image that in a perfect situation, a female finds a male that fits her so perfectly that she can marry him, love him so deeply that she would never let any harm come to him, but at the same time, cuckold him to receive the stimulation she requires for her own satisfaction. I often imagine this as the absolute perfect relationship between a guy and a girl. But then we don't live in a perfect world and thus, I surrender myself to the inescapable euphoria trapped inside my head.