Self loathing

dprdwimp

Posted on November 20th, 2009 ~ 10:36 pm

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Public service announcement: This might be a bit of a downer. :-(

I am not happy with myself right now. I am on very close to even hating who I am at the moment. I feel very alone and without local support, so I thought I'd post something here to vent a little. I hope you don't mind.

I really hate myself right now for not being able to be me. I had to lay-off 22 people today. I wish I had a choice but I had to call them in one at a time, along with their managers, and tell them that the company was restructuring and that they would be with us until the end of January next year, if they signed on the line. I hated doing that to these fine people and their families.

What's worse is that I wanted to be empathetic, but I couldn't. I wanted to reach out and give them a hug, but I am not allowed to. I wanted to show them that I can be sensitive in more than the cold, but supportive, corporate way. I wanted to put down the facade for just a moment to show them that I am no different. Then I started to feel anxious.

I was talking to them and feeling that they could see right through me. I started to worry that they could sense who I really was. That they could see me as the big wimp that I am when I am alone. The big wimp who paid a prostitute $500+ to be his mommy for a night just a few weeks ago. The one who can't have a real relationship because he is too ashamed of his diaper fetish and sissy side to admit it to anyone who cares about him. The idiot who puts on the macho show for his girlfriends when he really just wants to be a submissive little diaper boy or girl. I thought about how alone I am, and how these fine people probably hated me right now. I was afraid of what they would tell their spouses about me. Did they know who I really was? Could they sense it? Could they see it in my eyes or hear it in the words I chose?

I am ashamed of myself right now. I have tried so hard to give up being a sissy. I have thrown away the diapers and panties that I went through great lengths to get online without anyone knowing. The ones that I have hidden in secret places in my house and fear that someone will find. I am ashamed that I thought about the size of an employee's penis while I was talking to him in the conference room. I am ashamed that I left early and got dressed up to jerk off in my pink rhumba panties, but I can't seem to concentrate or even get myself excited. I am ashamed that I look like a sissy right now and that I am not a real man.

I am feeling very sorry for myself.

The only thing I really want right now is for someone to understand me, and instead I am here in the most shameful clothes, wearing the most embarrassing outfit, but wanting someone to burst in right now to catch me this way. I just want to feel good again, but instead I feel alone and I feel like the biggest loser on earth.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm sure this will pass soon.

Take care! Doug.

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Andreea

Posted November 21st, 2009 ~ 12:06 am

A virtual hug is the best I can offer, alas ... ***Hugs*** I certainly don't envy you your position and responsibilities, though I don't think you need take unto yourself the blame for the state of the economy (which I assume is causing this downsizing). Being or not being a sissy would, I think, have little bearing on how anyone would feel after such an event, and I hope and pray that time will heal the effects of this sad event for everyone concerned, and especially for you. ***more hugs and kisses***

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Wannabe_Baby

Posted November 21st, 2009 ~ 12:16 am

Certainly sounds like you're having a tough time of things, dprdwimp, but people DO understand you. You're not the only one who has felt this way at some point or another, although I wish I could help you more with the way you felt about having to lay off 22 people.

I get the feeling lots of people will say this but there's really nothing to be ashamed of. All of us here have a common characteristic, in that we're all interested in something out of the ordinary. It's just who we are. The thing is, you're not the only person who has tried to give it up either. I think lots of us have tried to at some point but, as your experience of leaving work early to jerk off in your rhumba panties proved, our feelings get the better of us. It's just the way things are. It's how we feel and we shouldn't ignore that. I know that's not the best advice but it's all we can do.

To speak from my own experiences, I tried to give up masturbation but, long story short, couldn't. I felt much the same way as you did about thinking I was the biggest loser on earth. I know it's different but it's not something I'm entirely over yet either; since I started doing it (at age 20; I was a late starter), I haven't gone more than eight days without doing it, and that was only a one-off.

So our feelings win out on occasion and there are some things we can't help.

As for putting on the macho image, again, you're not alone. But thinking about it a different way, what else can we do? The alternative could be worse and we could end up being alone if our friends aren't as accepting as they should be. Aside from which, let's keep in mind that it's personal. They have things about their lives they don't tell you and this is just one of the things that you don't tell them about yours. It's not unusual to have secrets, even between friends.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon, dprdwimp. You're genuinely one of my favourite posters here.

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dprdwimp

Posted November 21st, 2009 ~ 12:34 am

Thanks Adnreea, I really appreciate that!

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dprdwimp

Posted November 21st, 2009 ~ 12:39 am

Thanks Wannabe... I appreciate your thoughts and posts too.

I am not concerned about the masturbation, it is what I am thinking about while masturbating that I am sometimes ashamed of. I wish I didn't think about the things I think about sometimes. Why can't I be like other guys and jerk off to thoughts of breasts or missionary sex? Instead, I am touching myself and thinking about being changed and nursed, humiliated and shamed, being penetrated and sucking on a dominant guy's penis. I think about these things and I don't want to. I always have thought about these things and it has really messed with my personal life. I am a work-a-holic who buries himself in more socially acceptable diversions (work and travel) to stay away from the temptation. That said, I truly crave the chance to be myself. I truly long for the opportunities to be cared for while diapered or to be scolded like a bad little baby boy then held safely in mommy's arms. I hate that image but yet I crave it more than anything sometimes.

I think I need a vacation and a therapist. I am scared of what I might reveal though. I am scared of what my co-workers might find out about me. Why can't I just be me???

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Andreea

Posted November 21st, 2009 ~ 2:19 pm

Whilst I can see some element of comfort in being "socially acceptable", I would be hesitant to mistake that term for either "virtuous" or "natural". Neither the missionary position nor the adult male obsession with breasts are prevalent in nature, and as far as I am concerned one human elaboration to the sexual act is as good (or at least as morally neutral) as another.

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Wannabe_Baby

Posted November 21st, 2009 ~ 2:56 pm

I agree with this and thought the same thing when I was reading dprdwimp's post. People are aroused by different things and I don't think it makes a huge amount of difference whether it's more "traditional" such as the missionary position, or an interest that you have, dprdwimp. In fact, I share your interest in about four of the activities you mentioned. I think maybe you should try seeing it a different way; don't you think there's something special about being different from other people? Many's the time I've been glad that my fantasies are out of the ordinary because is there really anything enjoyable about being just like any other guy? Having a "typical guy" interest about sex or naked women? The thing is, you're not alone and your interests don't hurt anyone.

I don't think I'm helping as much as I could but I do understand. But can I suggest that you don't go into therapy? I think you should wait a few weeks or wait to see how you feel next year.

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