I remember being a toddler and playing in my mother's closet wearing her shoes. Curiously, I also remember being excited by diapers at the same time. I dont know where this came from or why, but it's just something I can recall. As I entered puberty, I discovered how excited I was at wearing women's undergarments. I had amassed quite a collection through dubious sneaky activities as a child. Im amazed I never got caught, and Im a bit ashamed that I did them at all.
But then I did, and I had the whole collection thrown out by the family. They were actually relatively understanding of it, and said that if I had an issue that I should talk about it and that it was okay, but I was way too shy and way too embarrassed, so I just blew it off and it never came up again since. This was in middle school.
I am a man who is incredibly turned on by a woman wearing fancy lingerie, but the idea of me being able to wear it too also turns me on. I sort of ignored it for years, and to be honest I was perfectly happy ignoring it... I have found ways to fulfill my life through my many pursuits and I love doing them.
However, the last 6 months have seen a drastic change in my life. My relationship of nearly 3 years to a girl I was practically engaged to ended. It had been going downhill. I doubted her fidelity and I disapproved of her irresponsibility and attitude and she grew tired of my constant negativity towards her. Shortly after that, I lost my job as my employer went out of business, and I've had to give up my apartment and move back in with my folks. But I did manage to find another job (two actually) , but the money still isnt as good as my old job. Ive decided to focus on trying to finish school instead.
In the meantime, I have some disposable income again, and until my lease runs out I have an aprtment all to myself as my ex girlfriend (We managed to stay friends, despite everything) has moved out. I miss her terribly, and we are still in love with each other, but we just were at different places in our lives with different goals.
I was in pretty bad shape and was considering suicide for a while, but fortunately I always talked myself out of it. I think all the stress got to me, but that combined iwth my newfound independence, I've somehow found my way back to my old undergarment fascination.
For me it's definitely a sexual thing. I love being a man. I love women. I like the smell of gasoline, gunpowder, and I like getting my hands greasy.
But maybe as a response to all that, I dont know, I have this insatiable urge to indulge myself with some sissy dresses, hosiery, brassieres, and so forth. And I am way to shy to buy this stuff in person, so I've ordered it all online and it should all arrive by the end of the week. I am DYING with excitement as I am about to fulfill some very, very, very old. nearly forgotten fantasies of mine.
Now what confuses me is how all this fits together. I know I'm not schizophrenic, yet I have this weird subconscious urge to start referring to my feminine side by a different name. I think I've correctly identified that as a sort of guilt mechanism, and I do have a certain amount of shame and guilt in what I've been doing. But I'm not hurting anyone, so I dont think it's ethically wrong. But I just feel weird about it. I go back and forth between being so excited I can barely contain myself, and being embarassed that I've been doing this again after 15 years of living normal.
I have been enjoying erotic fiction involving sissy transformations occasionally lately, and even though I dont know why, the satin waddle daipers you see online get me all bothered also. I have no idea what it is about it, but I even remember how excited I was at the smell of fresh daipers in elementary school. It's a weird blend of crossdressing and sissy infantilism, and Im not sure how to fit this in with the rest of my life and my personality. I'm frankly struggling with it.
Beyond all that, I'm hoping to start dating girls again soon (perhaps these fantasies will help me blow off some stress and get over my turn of bad luck) but Im afraid to make this too big a part of my life for fear of it causing problems with my future relationships. I have decided I iwll probably indulge myself with all this stuff, and then lock it up somewhere for a long time, if not outright get rid of it. I'm way too shy to share it with anyone in person, and I doubt I ever will. I refuse to let this get in the way of a healthy relationship with a woman, although I understand there's a slim possibility it wouldn't.
From what I can tell this is a fetish in my head, and fetishes are supposed to be generally healthy as long as they are not obsessive. So where's a line where you can partake in this type of alternate life fantasy in a healthy way, and how do you decide if it goes too far? What's healthy? What's obsessive? Clearly it's different for everyone, but I dont really know how to figure it all out for myself.
Anyway, I know I can be a bit wordy, but thanks for reading, and anyone with experience or insights, please share. I'm a little embarassed, ashamed, and really excited all at the same time. Do any of you have any similar stories? Or am I in the minority in enjoying my masculine side immensely in addition to all this?