PG New and lost...
My story for anyone who cares to read it
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Im a fairly typical 20-something guy who devoted his years suffering with social anxiety disorder to pursuing various interests and developing skills. No regrets. i LOVE being a man. I have a hot rod that I built and race regularly, I like to target shoot with rifles and pistols, I play death metal on my guitar, I ride dirtbikes, etc. I have many very masculine interests. I'm definitely on the shy side, some of which is due to my social anxiety disorder (although I mostly got past that in my early 20's... It's not something you cure, but it's something you learn to work around over time), but Ive learned as an adult to carry myself with confidence and have pride in myself. I am very stubborn, independent, and I resent authority.... yet I generally have always craved a strong woman.

I remember being a toddler and playing in my mother's closet wearing her shoes. Curiously, I also remember being excited by diapers at the same time. I dont know where this came from or why, but it's just something I can recall. As I entered puberty, I discovered how excited I was at wearing women's undergarments. I had amassed quite a collection through dubious sneaky activities as a child. Im amazed I never got caught, and Im a bit ashamed that I did them at all.

But then I did, and I had the whole collection thrown out by the family. They were actually relatively understanding of it, and said that if I had an issue that I should talk about it and that it was okay, but I was way too shy and way too embarrassed, so I just blew it off and it never came up again since. This was in middle school.

I am a man who is incredibly turned on by a woman wearing fancy lingerie, but the idea of me being able to wear it too also turns me on. I sort of ignored it for years, and to be honest I was perfectly happy ignoring it... I have found ways to fulfill my life through my many pursuits and I love doing them.

However, the last 6 months have seen a drastic change in my life. My relationship of nearly 3 years to a girl I was practically engaged to ended. It had been going downhill. I doubted her fidelity and I disapproved of her irresponsibility and attitude and she grew tired of my constant negativity towards her. Shortly after that, I lost my job as my employer went out of business, and I've had to give up my apartment and move back in with my folks. But I did manage to find another job (two actually) , but the money still isnt as good as my old job. Ive decided to focus on trying to finish school instead.

In the meantime, I have some disposable income again, and until my lease runs out I have an aprtment all to myself as my ex girlfriend (We managed to stay friends, despite everything) has moved out. I miss her terribly, and we are still in love with each other, but we just were at different places in our lives with different goals.

I was in pretty bad shape and was considering suicide for a while, but fortunately I always talked myself out of it. I think all the stress got to me, but that combined iwth my newfound independence, I've somehow found my way back to my old undergarment fascination.

For me it's definitely a sexual thing. I love being a man. I love women. I like the smell of gasoline, gunpowder, and I like getting my hands greasy.

But maybe as a response to all that, I dont know, I have this insatiable urge to indulge myself with some sissy dresses, hosiery, brassieres, and so forth. And I am way to shy to buy this stuff in person, so I've ordered it all online and it should all arrive by the end of the week. I am DYING with excitement as I am about to fulfill some very, very, very old. nearly forgotten fantasies of mine.

Now what confuses me is how all this fits together. I know I'm not schizophrenic, yet I have this weird subconscious urge to start referring to my feminine side by a different name. I think I've correctly identified that as a sort of guilt mechanism, and I do have a certain amount of shame and guilt in what I've been doing. But I'm not hurting anyone, so I dont think it's ethically wrong. But I just feel weird about it. I go back and forth between being so excited I can barely contain myself, and being embarassed that I've been doing this again after 15 years of living normal.

I have been enjoying erotic fiction involving sissy transformations occasionally lately, and even though I dont know why, the satin waddle daipers you see online get me all bothered also. I have no idea what it is about it, but I even remember how excited I was at the smell of fresh daipers in elementary school. It's a weird blend of crossdressing and sissy infantilism, and Im not sure how to fit this in with the rest of my life and my personality. I'm frankly struggling with it.

Beyond all that, I'm hoping to start dating girls again soon (perhaps these fantasies will help me blow off some stress and get over my turn of bad luck) but Im afraid to make this too big a part of my life for fear of it causing problems with my future relationships. I have decided I iwll probably indulge myself with all this stuff, and then lock it up somewhere for a long time, if not outright get rid of it. I'm way too shy to share it with anyone in person, and I doubt I ever will. I refuse to let this get in the way of a healthy relationship with a woman, although I understand there's a slim possibility it wouldn't.

From what I can tell this is a fetish in my head, and fetishes are supposed to be generally healthy as long as they are not obsessive. So where's a line where you can partake in this type of alternate life fantasy in a healthy way, and how do you decide if it goes too far? What's healthy? What's obsessive? Clearly it's different for everyone, but I dont really know how to figure it all out for myself.

Anyway, I know I can be a bit wordy, but thanks for reading, and anyone with experience or insights, please share. I'm a little embarassed, ashamed, and really excited all at the same time. Do any of you have any similar stories? Or am I in the minority in enjoying my masculine side immensely in addition to all this?
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ReneDescartes
Wow! I can relate to a lot of what you say! I hope you find what you are looking for, maybe even a girl who understands you and your likes. Picking a name for your femme side is SO IMPORTANT. I like Katie.

--
Renee
with my deepest curtsy for all,
Sissy Renee


Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.
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triggertramp
I know what you have been feeling and thinking. I think that it happens to a lot of people who share in these fantasies and fetishes honestly. That is the thing I like so much about sissykiss and other sites. You can post things such as this and find out you are not the only person who has had these same experiences.

Now to end this rambling, I don't necessarily view the name as a guilt mechanism, but more of an alter ego like batman/Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker / spiderman. I love to shoot guns as well, go hiking in the woods and doing other activities, but when I am diapered and in sissy clothes I wouldn't consider doing very many of these things. Having a sissy name just helps differentiate between the different feelings and activities you would do. Plus having a sissy girly name also puts the sort of icing on the cake, in my opinion.
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Diaperskirt
I have an article that will change your life.

http://www.annelawrence.com/becoming_what_we_love.pdf

Anyways, I'm you. I'm 27. Fascination with diapers, femininity, TG erotica, strong nurturing women, etc. You will find that, like me, these feelings were compartmentalized initially. A simple fetish. Swept under the rug. But as time goes on, and particularly in times of stress, these feelings and desires only intensify. These will NEVER go away, and don't delude yourself into thinking they can. While it is embarassing, if you don't accept this part of you and treat it with respect, you will become repressed and depressed over it. Don't be surprised if you give yourself a girl's name in the next year or too like I did, Tatiana. We have a love and desire for femininity, and we want to exhibit the traits we love as time goes on. I've been researching this stuff incessantly over the past few months. You need to arm yourself with knowledge and prepare for what may or may not become of you later on. I know how I felt before and how I feel now are different. And most signs say my feelings will change yet again in due time. I only developed my other girl identity in the past few months. Yours sounds like it's developing too. My close friends, family, and my new girlfriend all know I identify as bigendered, although most don't really understand it (I don't blame them). I grew up liking martial arts, soccer, video games, and I simply LOVE logic puzzles, critical thinking, etc. However, that is a common trait in transgendered people like ourselves. Not overtly masculine OR feminine in childhood. Why? Because we learn very early on what happens if boys act feminine, so we very quickly learn to suppress and avoid those mannerisms and interests. But, if it were perfectly acceptable, who knows how different our pursuits would be?

Anyway most importantly, if you plan to get into a relationship in the future with a woman, you can NOT keep this secret. And don't delude yourself into thinking you can just turn this off or ignore it. As you've noticed, your feelings have increased in intensity and they will continue to. You can easily sabotage any future relationship by trying to hide and indulge in this in private (breach of her trust), or trying to deny it and have it manifest in emotionally negative ways like extreme depression. You already mentioned suicide thoughts, don't let this push you over the edge.That's not to say you should blurt it out after giving your name of course. I told my girlfriend very early about my bigenderism (within a week of dating). Cleared the air. After a few months of dating, I told her about my diaper fetish (this part of me is a fetish. I identify as a girl, but I only fantasize about diapers), and she was surprisingly understanding and even txts me the outfits she'd like to see me in if I were a little girl. That was when I fell for her. She's pansexual, which is something you may need to actively look for. Too many heterosexual women will find your fascination with self-femininity as a threat, as well as them feeling undesirable. Yes, our love lives are doomed to complication and very difficult to maintain, but you will only end up hurting both of you if you don't come clean about this stuff before committing. It's ironic, but it takes a real man to act like the girl she is. :)

Want to talk and share stories? Just message me. ^_^ I can also share articles and blogs and stuff. And you should also think of a girl's name! I can help.

-Tatiana
~To be a girl is to be honest and expressive of your emotions. To wear diapers shows comfort in your body and trust in another~
I like to play Would You Rather and Dress Up, so come play with me in the games section. ^_^
*Formerly tutu49*
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