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Hi. I'm 19. And I have finally come to terms with who I am. I remember the first time I prayed to god, I was 8, and begged him to fix me. To make my outside match my inside. To make me a girl. But, probably as it happens in most cases, it went unheard. So I buried it. Dug a hole down deep took all my problems and brought it in ward. And on the outside I became reclusive, quiet, never had a lot of friends, oddity, that was very much in denial. I convinced myself that since I wasn't born a girl I shouldn't even allow myself to have these feelings. Basically think of any self destructive behavior pattern. you can think of, that was me. (minus alcohol, drugs, and smoking. Those lowered inhibitions and I needed those to keep my innards from spewing out to the outside and I would have to come to terms with it. Everybody would see me for who I was. And I didn't want that). I was at war with myself on the inside and I didn't want it to be on the outside. I was born a guy, for what ever reason, and therefore I should not feel like I'm a girl. And I fought so long I forgot what it was I fought about.

And that went on for 11 years. I was the smart silent guy who sat in the back and didn't want to draw much attention to themselves. I buried myself in my work. I got a job. Volunteered. Did everything there was to do to occupy ever second of every minute of ever hour of every day so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I had a plan. I'd get myself through High School and go right into the military and get myself blown up in the line of fire. The United States was sure to be in a war by then. I'd die, not have to deal with this and I'd get a tin on a ribbon sent home to ma. She could be proud of me.

My mother is one of those angels sent to earth that pretends to be a human. She literally saved me from my dad, on multiple occasions. I am only here breathing because she was there. For a while I hated her for it too. Took it out on her. And she never knew why. And even now I regret it. If I had just had the guts to look myself in the mirror and see myself as the phony I was, she'd have been better off. But I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to disappoint her. I wanted to die a hero. Make the nastiest divorce I have yet to see seem worth it to her.

And then my wish came true. i graduated. The extra time I put into clubs, volunteering, the job I got, all of it paid off. I graduated with honors. And, like I had been planning. I went into the military. It wasn't the army, it was the Navy. But alas, something somewhere said, "Oh no you don't! You don't get off that easy." And I injured myself in training. And that's when they found out I have "Grave's Disease." I was put on heart meds and sent home to get better. Discharge. My world was crushed. And so I went home. My mother, being kind as she is, took me in so I could get well. And so I sat. And thought. And sat and thought some more. Almost committed suicide, again. (Had enough pills to off me but make it look like an accidental OD on heart meds). But I thought that was too easy. Too much of a coward's way out. I couldn't do that to my mother.

I couldn't do much while on the heart medications. So I basically was forced to look inward at myself. I decided I had enough of being miserable. I decided I needed to learn why I was fighting with myself. I had, by then grown weary of always being angry, sad, and angry because I was sad. And that was when I remembered when I was eight, and prayed to God to fix me. Make me a girl on the outside, like I felt on the inside. And the walls fell. It was like that piece of the puzzle had fallen into place that made it look like there was a ship on water instead of mass of confusion and color. I knew why I hated myself. I was transgender. All the times I had cross dressed (followed by the deep loathing of myself) and all the times I promised to never do it again, even though I couldn't. It all made sense. It made sense why I felt like there is a poison running through my veins every day that slowly burns at my heart. Why I get sick at the thought of dieing a man.

And that was two months ago. And now here I sit. At my computer. Looking for answers to questions I don't know how to answer. No clue where to start. I don't even know if I should come out. I know my mother would disown me. She didn't fight and lose 130 grand just to see me "fall for a lie." I know she wouldn't understand. And I honestly, truly feel alone.
So, I come before you all today, a helpless and confused and lost young lady, to ask. Am I nuts? Is this what it feels like for you? WHERE DO I START?! And yeah. I know that I'm a girl. And I'm okay if I never get accepted. I'm okay if it means I will never find a mate. I'm okay if it means I will be alone all the days of my life. Because, at least I will accept myself.
 

Oh and PS. I can't decide if I want to go by the name April (the month where the flowers grow and winter passes. And the light comes out) or Robin (like the beautful bird)
I am me. You are you. You may not like some of the choices I have made, and thats fine, you don't need to live my life for me. I made the choice for my life. And that is why, I am me and you are you.
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Sissy sarah
DEAR Robin my hart and soul is truly breaking apart from reading your story.

FIRST let me introduce my self in here as you can see im known as Sissy Sarah and im a Pre op (going on post up started my evaluation 2009 ) Transsexual woman
(feel free to visit my personal space and you will see more who i am Just double click on my icon)

Lets just leave it like im older then you dear (i have no problems revealing my reel age in PM ) Now then

NO you're NOT nuts and sadly what you're telling here is basikly the normal life fore us transsexuals. And my guess is you have had this stronger feelings coming back to you when you were say 15 -16 and now they keep getting stronger and stronger. And like you say its driving you NUTS.

Now then FIRST let me reach out my open arms to you my dear and i will try to help you as best i can in this MESS. (just Pm me and we can get alitle more private )

SECOND

You have already taken ONE BIG step hun and that is to come to terms with who you are AND that is a MAYOR step .

Now then

What to do ? Well like i have told allot of girls JUST like you. try to locate a Transsexual support group near were you live if possible OR search the net. Then be a member and DARE to ask ALLOT of questions and listen and learn as mutch as you can about all this and how others had it in life and how they managed to get thru this.

(including me if you contact me my life will be an open book fore you and you will soon discover that what you're going thru now i and MANY others in here have already felt and dealt with) So In conclusion You have already taken the FIRST MOST IMPORTANT step in this my dear YOU have accepted who you are.

NOONE can get thru this ALONE we all knead help and guidance (including me )

So Robin IF you want a friend that will be there fore you NOMETHER WHAT i reach out my arms fore you

The choice is YOURS IF you want my help it is you who have to take the first step and contact me

Eather thru Pm were we can be more private or this thread il have this one under surveillance

If you doo il be there fore you NOMETHER WHAT

And it want cost you ANYTHING or require ANYTHING else then BEING HONEST with me and Most important To YOU

I'm standing here with my open arms The rest is YOUR choice

Lots of sweet kisses Sissy Sarah

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jossan_q
I would say, talk to a psychatrist that specializes in lgbT och more importantly trans issues!
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Robin


 I would say, talk to a psychatrist that specializes in lgbT och more importantly trans issues!  




I'm not familiar with the acronyms yet. Whats a lgbT och?

And Sissy Sarah, thanks for your support. I'll definately be PMing you. I haven't even figured out the sissy space yet  

But really. Thankyou for letting me know I'm not alone out here. It means alot. I'll definately be looking for a group. I'm soo lost. People have acronyms (see the person above me) and big words I'm not familiar with. I got a million questions for you. So once again, thankyou for being a good sister  
I am me. You are you. You may not like some of the choices I have made, and thats fine, you don't need to live my life for me. I made the choice for my life. And that is why, I am me and you are you.
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Sissy sarah


 I'm not familiar with the acronyms yet. Whats a lgbT och?

And Sissy Sarah, thanks for your support. I'll definately be PMing you. I haven't even figured out the sissy space yet  

But really. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone out here. It means alot. I'll definately be looking for a group. I'm soo lost. People have acronyms (see the person above me) and big words I'm not familiar with. I got a million questions for you. So once again, thank you for being a good sister    




DEAR Robin Consider me as your Big Sister honey And just like a good Big sister il be here fore you ALL the way   AND NO question is to DUMB to ask my dear  

Oh and what i think Jossan is talking about is she suggest talk to a shrink that is specialised in Lesbian,gay, bisexual, And trans persons

However my dear Jossan as you probably should now being a transsexual is NOT anything like those issues And us Transsexuals have had HELL to pay since we were included in that category. And from what i learnt now the experts leaning towards label all of us Transsexuals as GAY witch we are NOT. So i strongly disagree with that advice my dear

Furthermore im afraid that i have come across LOADS of confused Transsexuals all over the world that have contact with A specialist and have to pay ALLOT of money. And they are more lost then a Baby raccoon in a dryer machine So i have to say that the right way to go is to talk to Transsexuals in all ages (we know how it is and how it feels ) and usely we know more about this things then the so called experts  

Now jossan im NOT jumping over you in any way. I just telling you my opinion my dear.
If you have good experiences from talking to one of them then im HAPPY fore you Hun
and IF you want to discus this further feel free to Pm me and il be happy to discus this issue with you.

Oh And Robin regarding the Sissy Space nether have i you learn as you go hun (wink)

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OopsiePanty
Oh my dear one, I know that right now, you must be going through much more anxiety than you can possibly contain. I hesitate to say the truth because I don't know if you are ready to hear it yet. Don't be afraid though, nothing has changed in the world, only your understandings of it are beginning to change. The truth that you state at the end of your post however is one most profound:



 And yeah. I know that I'm a girl. And I'm okay if I never get accepted. I'm okay if it means I will never find a mate. I'm okay if it means I will be alone all the days of my life. Because, at least I will accept myself.  




If you can truely accept these things and then work to better your position, you might be lonely sometimes, but you should be out of the grasp of dispair. I am not saying this is how your life will be, but if you aim low, you might find that you end up getting more done and feel less dissapointed with yourself than if you aim too high. This leads us into our first truth.

The first truth I will give to you is this:

Hope kills much more often than dispair. Hope can fuel you, but it can also tear you apart quicker than you can hope to recover from. I believe that hope, more than other factors, is the cause of so many young trans deaths. If you allow hope into your heart, know that you are using a volitile substance as the foundation of life.

The second truth I offer up:

Your mother didn't "fight and lose 130 grand just to see me "fall for a lie.""

The lie she fell for were the ones the church told her. She placed her life willingly in the hands of hateful people, ignorant and fearful people. People who are addicts. She doesn't hate the person you really are, she is just fearful. She may be a good person and probably is, but she fell in with the wrong crowd...you know, the thing she might have warned you about as a child? Try to love her as much as you can even though she may be shielding herself in ignorance. She once protected you and you might feel like you now have to protect her. Before you talk to your mother about you being a girl, you should gather materials, research everything for yourself, and have asked other trans people hundreds of questions. You are her beautiful and wonderful daughter. You just need the right words to say to ease her over the shock she will no doubt experience. Just remember to be gentle and understanding when people choose to be ignorant and choose to dwell within a cloak of fear for protection. People like that are at their core, fragile.

The third truth I will let leak tonight is:

The soul mentioned in the Christian bible is actually talking about the human memory. For example, the Greeks for example believed that your memories passed on, but not that your memories were a seperate living entity from yourself like it is all too often explained in Christian churches (where they explain your body and soul being two seperate living things). The eternal life promised is no more alive than a floppy disc with files on it. Both are just images of memory, neither has free will. Heaven as described in the bible is a place devoid of thinking, devoid of questioning, devoid of humanity. A place where mindless robots worship a being dependant on their praise to exist. If a hell like this really exists, you would be best off doing anything to avoid going there. Luckally you are living matter, reality in motion, a tiny and curious. The meaning of life is to try to understand reality and to observe it, to create an unstable record of it, and finally to rest and to take your turn being unliving reality. Don't cut even one minute of it short. By the time you see again through mortal eyes, you will be scattered across countless other living beings, and what exists of your eyes will no longer remember what your hand once looked like.

Embrace humanity, love, tollerance, kindness and mercy; Everything that the Christian church lacks. Cast of your shackles, fear no more of a judgement after death, we are all our own judge and only the heart knows if it is wicked or not. Know that you are a wonderful being, worth as much as any other. Know that as long as you lead a good life, little more can be asked of you. Many Christians know this truth and keep it burried as deeply as they can. They fear it being true so much they specifically point out that living this way must be wicked. Almost anything they fear is their true, good or right. The true test of someone is what they will do, when they have nothing. Embrace those who have nothing, but are willing to still help others. Lastly, embrace yourself in the moments where you feel as though you cannot bear it anymore.

You are not alone.

You are not sin.

You may make mistakes at times,

Perfection is all about trial and error and surviving the process.



Ok, hmmm now for something much less heavy. A name. I think you should also be considering a middle name. You could even change your family name too. I kept my family name because I didn't want people in my family to feel like I was leaving it. If your first name is destined to be one of those two, I would go with April, there are all ready too many trans girls named Robin.

If I ever have a girl of my own to raise, I would name her Kindra. I am feeling in a rare mood tonight, and if for some reason you like that name you could take it.

*hugs*
A young girl's greatest fear isn't monsters, or magical threats from beyond time and space.
No, a young girl's greatest fear overshadows all of those things.

Her greatest fear is to be alone.


(Still your little Guardian Shadow, now just with wings!)
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little_boy_pink
That's certainly a sad story you've got there, I suppose an upturn is more than due.

On the plus side you don't seem to have gone insane through it all.

I would love to help talk you into a happier place, one which you're thankfully striding towards even now. By all means PM me.

(As regards names I'd go with April as it isn't a boy's name.)
Little boy blue come blow your horn.
The sheep's in the meadow the cow's in the corn!
And where is the boy who looks after the sheep?
SHE's under a haystack diapered neat!
____________
Little boy pink come make a wish
The stars in the sky send you their kiss
As you dream of a world so happy and free
Warm in thick diapers being rocked fast asleep!
-By Funshine Bear.
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Robin


 Oh my dear one, I know that right now, you must be going through much more anxiety than you can possibly contain. I hesitate to say the truth because I don't know if you are ready to hear it yet. Don't be afraid though, nothing has changed in the world, only your understandings of it are beginning to change. The truth that you state at the end of your post however is one most profound:



If you can truely accept these things and then work to better your position, you might be lonely sometimes, but you should be out of the grasp of dispair. I am not saying this is how your life will be, but if you aim low, you might find that you end up getting more done and feel less dissapointed with yourself than if you aim too high. This leads us into our first truth.

The first truth I will give to you is this:

Hope kills much more often than dispair. Hope can fuel you, but it can also tear you apart quicker than you can hope to recover from. I believe that hope, more than other factors, is the cause of so many young trans deaths. If you allow hope into your heart, know that you are using a volitile substance as the foundation of life.

The second truth I offer up:

Your mother didn't "fight and lose 130 grand just to see me "fall for a lie.""

The lie she fell for were the ones the church told her. She placed her life willingly in the hands of hateful people, ignorant and fearful people. People who are addicts. She doesn't hate the person you really are, she is just fearful. She may be a good person and probably is, but she fell in with the wrong crowd...you know, the thing she might have warned you about as a child? Try to love her as much as you can even though she may be shielding herself in ignorance. She once protected you and you might feel like you now have to protect her. Before you talk to your mother about you being a girl, you should gather materials, research everything for yourself, and have asked other trans people hundreds of questions. You are her beautiful and wonderful daughter. You just need the right words to say to ease her over the shock she will no doubt experience. Just remember to be gentle and understanding when people choose to be ignorant and choose to dwell within a cloak of fear for protection. People like that are at their core, fragile.

The third truth I will let leak tonight is:

The soul mentioned in the Christian bible is actually talking about the human memory. For example, the Greeks for example believed that your memories passed on, but not that your memories were a seperate living entity from yourself like it is all too often explained in Christian churches (where they explain your body and soul being two seperate living things). The eternal life promised is no more alive than a floppy disc with files on it. Both are just images of memory, neither has free will. Heaven as described in the bible is a place devoid of thinking, devoid of questioning, devoid of humanity. A place where mindless robots worship a being dependant on their praise to exist. If a hell like this really exists, you would be best off doing anything to avoid going there. Luckally you are living matter, reality in motion, a tiny and curious. The meaning of life is to try to understand reality and to observe it, to create an unstable record of it, and finally to rest and to take your turn being unliving reality. Don't cut even one minute of it short. By the time you see again through mortal eyes, you will be scattered across countless other living beings, and what exists of your eyes will no longer remember what your hand once looked like.

Embrace humanity, love, tollerance, kindness and mercy; Everything that the Christian church lacks. Cast of your shackles, fear no more of a judgement after death, we are all our own judge and only the heart knows if it is wicked or not. Know that you are a wonderful being, worth as much as any other. Know that as long as you lead a good life, little more can be asked of you. Many Christians know this truth and keep it burried as deeply as they can. They fear it being true so much they specifically point out that living this way must be wicked. Almost anything they fear is their true, good or right. The true test of someone is what they will do, when they have nothing. Embrace those who have nothing, but are willing to still help others. Lastly, embrace yourself in the moments where you feel as though you cannot bear it anymore.

You are not alone.

You are not sin.

You may make mistakes at times,

Perfection is all about trial and error and surviving the process.



Ok, hmmm now for something much less heavy. A name. I think you should also be considering a middle name. You could even change your family name too. I kept my family name because I didn't want people in my family to feel like I was leaving it. If your first name is destined to be one of those two, I would go with April, there are all ready too many trans girls named Robin.

If I ever have a girl of my own to raise, I would name her Kindra. I am feeling in a rare mood tonight, and if for some reason you like that name you could take it.

*hugs*  



Firstly I've long ago given up hope. NOt as a result of this. BUt more as a realization that hope is as hollow as fear. Neither have any real basis on anything and neither should direct your life. SO, as such they are both hollow.

Second thing you said. She didn't necessarily say that. But its what she WOULD say. And its not just me rushing to conclusion. Its a well based statement based on observations of previous events. When my cousin announced he was gay. Or when my neighbor, a few years ago, cross dressed. Or that time she said she said she would disown me if I were to ever be gay. Yeah she is intolerant. And I have tried to confront her intolerance in ohter areas. But this is something I know she would never be okay with. So I don't think that presentingnumbers or facts up as proof its not just crazy talk will not counteract her emotional responce. Its just the way she was raised. Shes gone through her life and has made certine decisions based on events in her life. And it has become ingrained. So I think the only thing I CAN do is tell her the day before I move out. Like a last moment mention. "Oh hey. By the way mom. I'm a transexual. Bye I'll miss you! I love you muchly"Its either that or I can just completely disappear. The end result would be the same. But I don't want to do that to her because doesn't desirve that. For all you TSes. I got one big question I need answered. Are there people in your life that you just can't come out to? Like a realitve? You just KNOW its a completely bad idea to tell them and the only result is going to be negitive?
 
P.S. The more time that has passed with me accepting myself as being a girl. The more at ease I am with myself. The easier it becomes. Theres a certine peace that I am finding with myself. The world seems brighter in a sense. I feel releaxed. I have an easier time sleeping. And I even see myself as a woman in my dreams now. Thanks for the advice girls.

P.P.S. I think I will go with April
I am me. You are you. You may not like some of the choices I have made, and thats fine, you don't need to live my life for me. I made the choice for my life. And that is why, I am me and you are you.
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Sissy sarah


 Firstly I've long ago given up hope. NOt as a result of this. BUt more as a realization that hope is as hollow as fear. Neither have any real basis on anything and neither should direct your life. SO, as such they are both hollow.

Second thing you said. She didn't necessarily say that. But its what she WOULD say. And its not just me rushing to conclusion. Its a well based statement based on observations of previous events. When my cousin announced he was gay. Or when my neighbor, a few years ago, cross dressed. Or that time she said she said she would disown me if I were to ever be gay. Yeah she is intolerant. And I have tried to confront her intolerance in ohter areas. But this is something I know she would never be okay with. So I don't think that presentingnumbers or facts up as proof its not just crazy talk will not counteract her emotional responce. Its just the way she was raised. Shes gone through her life and has made certine decisions based on events in her life. And it has become ingrained. So I think the only thing I CAN do is tell her the day before I move out. Like a last moment mention. "Oh hey. By the way mom. I'm a transexual. Bye I'll miss you! I love you muchly"Its either that or I can just completely disappear. The end result would be the same. But I don't want to do that to her because doesn't desirve that. For all you TSes. I got one big question I need answered. Are there people in your life that you just can't come out to? Like a realitve? You just KNOW its a completely bad idea to tell them and the only result is going to be negitive?
 
P.S. The more time that has passed with me accepting myself as being a girl. The more at ease I am with myself. The easier it becomes. Theres a certine peace that I am finding with myself. The world seems brighter in a sense. I feel releaxed. I have an easier time sleeping. And I even see myself as a woman in my dreams now. Thanks for the advice girls.

P.P.S. I think I will go with April  




Okey time fore the voice of reason again

First NEVER EVER stop dreaming or Loose your Hope April its what will give you the strength tat YOU KNEAD to be able to FIGHT fore this . its no secret that my life is have ALL my life been a living HELL and a constant struggle of NEVER ending problems that's kneads solving. And i can HONESTLY say that the ONLY thing that haver /still do KEEP me alive is that i have NEVER lost my HOPE.

Second Regarding your mum

Well i agree with you April like i also sed that as long as you live under her roof its NOT a good idea to let her know about this as it would only make things worse

And about disappere (witch i take as leaving life yes Suicide ) NO THAT IS NOT the answer April And before you others start YES i have tried before and i have been suicidle most of my life so i KNOW what i talk about ) the last time was 4 yers ago when ALL that stopped me was my animals (my family ) And that i WILL make this happen

In answer to your question

I'mprety shore i will loose my reel dad when i come out fore reel (But we haven't had that mutch contact in life anyway so what happens happens ) other than this Well in my case i have already decided that IF someone cant take me and accept me as i am (a Woman truck driver ) Then FINE thank you fore the time we had and BYE BYE
IF your so caled Family members or friends CANT accept you as you are Then WHO kneads them rely ? NOT me

Its basikly like this April going thru this you MAY loose some friends or even family members (this is sadly more common in the states fore some reason ) BUT you will also find NEW friends that will accept you fore who you are. And if your parents /friends have ANYTHING up in there head other than air they will come to understand that its STILL you and the only thing that basikly changed is that you now a Woman NOTHING else.

Also the first reaction from your family members or friends may be to walk away. However GIVE them TIME to reflect on this love. DON'T chase them. LET Them come to you IF they want to. NEVER close the doors fore them to come back

Usely the first rection is shock and walk away. However if you give them some SPACE to think about all this they MAY come back.

Regarding your PS

What you experiencing now hun is that you FINALLY have accepted you faight and no longer have all those conflickting thoughts And im HAPPY fore you. my dear

And also you're ONLY 19 dear you have your ENTIRE LIFE in front of you (you already know my age and how long a struggled with my self   So Just Follow my advice and LEARN all you can and BOMBARD ME and all the others in here that are offering to help you with questions thoughts and so on

Your friend fore LIFE and BEYOND Sarah  

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OopsiePanty
I'm very glad to hear that you are ok with yourself April. Once you have that, everything falls into place so much easier. I wish you all the best, even if you in the end feel you must keep this a secret from your mother.
A young girl's greatest fear isn't monsters, or magical threats from beyond time and space.
No, a young girl's greatest fear overshadows all of those things.

Her greatest fear is to be alone.


(Still your little Guardian Shadow, now just with wings!)
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little_boy_pink


 Firstly I've long ago given up hope. NOt as a result of this. BUt more as a realization that hope is as hollow as fear. Neither have any real basis on anything and neither should direct your life. SO, as such they are both hollow.  



Don't give up like that, it's too easy. Fictions may not be real but they are practically invaluable- they're what motivate us to become better and better.
Little boy blue come blow your horn.
The sheep's in the meadow the cow's in the corn!
And where is the boy who looks after the sheep?
SHE's under a haystack diapered neat!
____________
Little boy pink come make a wish
The stars in the sky send you their kiss
As you dream of a world so happy and free
Warm in thick diapers being rocked fast asleep!
-By Funshine Bear.
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nekoboyorgirl
dear robin i have read your story and sometimes i forget how good my mother is
to me one and two you should be glad that you are a transgender theres nothing wrong in feeling that your a girl stuck inside aboys body sometimes its a mistake at birth or sometimes its fate robin you seem nice and i respect you
p.s. i am not a transgender but i come here and youre story has made me think about how nice my mother is
*i had dreamt life was beauty and woke up and found out life was duty*
*it is better to be thought the fool and remain silent then to open your mouth and remove all doubt*
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Akuti
*big hugs and kisses*
welcome, you are accepted here, you belong, you are not nuts and you are not alone. You are also very lucky, you are only 19 and you have many years to discover yourself.

"So I think the only thing I CAN do is tell her the day before I move out. Like a last moment mention. "Oh hey. By the way mom. I'm a transexual. Bye I'll miss you! I love you muchly"Its either that or I can just completely disappear. The end result would be the same. But I don't want to do that to her because doesn't desirve that."

eventually all children come to the realisation that their parents are not perfect. while your mother may have protected you in one way, she is hurting you just as bad as any beating through intolerence. she is not an angel sent to earth, she is merely human, and not a shining example of humanity either. you need to be true to yourself, not to her ideals (or fears or ignorance). until you move out keeping the peace is probably a good idea, but once you move out you should let her know who you are. this at least gives her the opportunity to realise the error of her ways and change (you never know, personal involvement can profoundly change peoples views). if she holds onto her prejudices it is no longer your problem, you can still love her you just don't have to deal with her. keep sending birthday cards and that kind of thing, and if she grows up she can come to you.
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