And that went on for 11 years. I was the smart silent guy who sat in the back and didn't want to draw much attention to themselves. I buried myself in my work. I got a job. Volunteered. Did everything there was to do to occupy ever second of every minute of ever hour of every day so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I had a plan. I'd get myself through High School and go right into the military and get myself blown up in the line of fire. The United States was sure to be in a war by then. I'd die, not have to deal with this and I'd get a tin on a ribbon sent home to ma. She could be proud of me.
My mother is one of those angels sent to earth that pretends to be a human. She literally saved me from my dad, on multiple occasions. I am only here breathing because she was there. For a while I hated her for it too. Took it out on her. And she never knew why. And even now I regret it. If I had just had the guts to look myself in the mirror and see myself as the phony I was, she'd have been better off. But I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to disappoint her. I wanted to die a hero. Make the nastiest divorce I have yet to see seem worth it to her.
And then my wish came true. i graduated. The extra time I put into clubs, volunteering, the job I got, all of it paid off. I graduated with honors. And, like I had been planning. I went into the military. It wasn't the army, it was the Navy. But alas, something somewhere said, "Oh no you don't! You don't get off that easy." And I injured myself in training. And that's when they found out I have "Grave's Disease." I was put on heart meds and sent home to get better. Discharge. My world was crushed. And so I went home. My mother, being kind as she is, took me in so I could get well. And so I sat. And thought. And sat and thought some more. Almost committed suicide, again. (Had enough pills to off me but make it look like an accidental OD on heart meds). But I thought that was too easy. Too much of a coward's way out. I couldn't do that to my mother.
I couldn't do much while on the heart medications. So I basically was forced to look inward at myself. I decided I had enough of being miserable. I decided I needed to learn why I was fighting with myself. I had, by then grown weary of always being angry, sad, and angry because I was sad. And that was when I remembered when I was eight, and prayed to God to fix me. Make me a girl on the outside, like I felt on the inside. And the walls fell. It was like that piece of the puzzle had fallen into place that made it look like there was a ship on water instead of mass of confusion and color. I knew why I hated myself. I was transgender. All the times I had cross dressed (followed by the deep loathing of myself) and all the times I promised to never do it again, even though I couldn't. It all made sense. It made sense why I felt like there is a poison running through my veins every day that slowly burns at my heart. Why I get sick at the thought of dieing a man.
And that was two months ago. And now here I sit. At my computer. Looking for answers to questions I don't know how to answer. No clue where to start. I don't even know if I should come out. I know my mother would disown me. She didn't fight and lose 130 grand just to see me "fall for a lie." I know she wouldn't understand. And I honestly, truly feel alone.
So, I come before you all today, a helpless and confused and lost young lady, to ask. Am I nuts? Is this what it feels like for you? WHERE DO I START?! And yeah. I know that I'm a girl. And I'm okay if I never get accepted. I'm okay if it means I will never find a mate. I'm okay if it means I will be alone all the days of my life. Because, at least I will accept myself.
Oh and PS. I can't decide if I want to go by the name April (the month where the flowers grow and winter passes. And the light comes out) or Robin (like the beautful bird)
I am me. You are you. You may not like some of the choices I have made, and thats fine, you don't need to live my life for me. I made the choice for my life. And that is why, I am me and you are you.