I'm in an ethics class as a prerequisit right now, and we finished the Analects. Anyway, Confucius said that for the country to work, the king has to rule, minister minister, father father, and son be a son. So that has me wondering, is it even right to come out? I'm not sure what I would be coming out as though. But, is my quest for fulfillment more important than the obligations I have. Do I own my brother a brother? Doesn't he deserve me to be his brother rather than his sister (I'm pretty close to my family, so I can't just toss aside their feeling about it)? Same for my parents, aren't I obligated to be a son rather than a daughter? Basically is my own fulfillment worth the suffering (can't think of a better word) I could cause by such a disruption of my family life.
More about my own issues though. I called myself borderline transexual, cause I don't know what I qualify as. I consider myself straight (to me male anatomy is not very attractive, what women see in the male form is beyond me). But, I don't have a desire for sex. I'm attracted to women, but want a relationship/companionship/love, not sex (though I have no problem having sex if given the opprotunity). Anyway, so I'm not asexual. But I have a strong female part of me, it's almost like another personality. It isn't a personality, I don't black out and wake up in a dress or anything. But it is a part of me that can handle stress. I was at work once, and under a bit of stress and found myself entering my female frame of mind where I though of myself as feminine, and I seemed to cope better. I've been coming here more often as my classes come down on me. I'm drawn to the feminine; but it's not in harmony. It's like the female part wants control of myself, ie to become an actual woman, transition, etc. While the male part that I mostly identify with has a lot of doubts about it. The female part is becoming a lot more assertive though, as I've now crossdressed, posted pictures online, come outish to my brother; so I'm really not sure what the hell I want or to do. I find women beautiful, but do I want to become what I'm attracted to? That would make me a transexual lesbian? WTF?? I don't like the cliche term "confused," but I don't really have a better term at my disposal. It's annoying not knowing what I want. But, life's already hard, do I need to make it that much harder by trying to become something else.
(BTW, I'm not really a sissy in that mannor, ideally I would be a female diaper lover; right now a crossdresser/transgender diaper lover (though I don't consider myself a crossdresser))
"I sorta felt like a sissy"
Southern Belle----Poopy Princess