Coming out
At least with myself
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I'm putting this down because the only way I can really collect my thoughts in a meaningful manner is through talking it out to an audience. As a result, what follows is going to long, and ramblomatic; you are warned  .


I don't know if I need to do this for anybody but myself, maybe somebody reads this who's needing some inspiration to help them find themselves, but here goes.

Lets start with what I do know; I know I've a pretty submissive personality, and recently I've been crossdressing (which I hate as a word, sounds like you're not meant to do it) privately. Today I wore panties for the whole day and it felt like it was supposed to be that way. I don't think I need to come out to anybody I know since I've got a healthy relationship with my parents; if they ever found out incidentally they'd probably just figure 'huh, that's wierd' and just shrug it off and life would go on, so I don't think I need that gratification. At least not yet. Maybe, if this isn't just some minor kink that will go away, someday I'll have a need to make this part of my public life, but for right now, it's exhilarating to just get this down in some form of semi-permanent state.

I'm at least a crossdresser/sissy, if not more. I don't know, and I won't know for probably years whether or not this is just something my sex drive is guiding me to, or if I actually have a psychological need to be at least more female if not fully female, but I do know that I have at least some forms of body dysphoria, if not truly transexual urges. I'm hoping that if I can at least take baby steps towards finding out who I am, and hopefully know what road to take before it's too late to start walking down it.

I've struggled with depression for the grand majority of my life, and I think a large amount of it is due to a large disconnect between who I am and what I've ended up portraying myself as. My depressions have never been *due* to the fact that I'm overweight, socially awkward, and have a poor sense of hygiene, but I'm at least thinking, now that I'm discussing it here, that I've never taken care of myself due to a lack of commitment to who I could be as a 100% male. I've never tried to build muscle, play sports, or gone out of my way to otherwise further my male potential; I never saw the point in it and felt that I wouldn't ever be happy, even if I put all of my effort into being the strongest alpha male possible. For the longest while I was generally apathetic about life, not really caring about how I looked or came off to people, and not caring about my future. It's only recently have I had the presence of mind to be forthright with myself.

I've always had some sort of psychological resonance with gender fantasies since I was a child, and I've crossdressed in what limited manner as I could growing up (since I've got no sisters and I've got more respect for my mom than to ruin her clothes), but for the longest time (at least up until a few years ago when I was able to more privately get online in a regular fashion) I was stuck with the popular notion that transgenderism is a white and black thing; if you were truly transsexual, you were someone who was begging their parents to chop your genitals off as a 4 year old, otherwise you were just someone with a fetish. Maybe it's due to that that I've never really pursued any intimate relationships with anybody. Maybe it's due that that that I've always been super introverted. Maybe not. I do know that I'm glad that I know more now about how grey gender can be, and that if I can find out where I truly fall in that hazy spectrum I can at least be comfortable with who I am and use that positive emotional backing to start tackling all of my other life problems. I'm also glad that from what I've seen in the TS/TV communities is a general feeling of support, since everyone has felt all of the internal and external struggles of being non-cisgender to at least some extent. There's a great deal of sympathy in these communities which I applaud and has made it a lot easier for me to post this or even sign up for this forum.

By coming out in this manner, I hope I can at least start guiding myself towards being a healthier person in body and mind. I don't know if I can truly take care of myself as a full 100% male, since I have no commitment to a body image of myself as a truly masculine person, but I hope that even if what I'm attempting to come out as right now isn't who I turn out to be, I can at least commit myself to better hygiene, better exercise, and overall a better sense of self and personal pride as part of this experiment in self discovery. I've already started taking baby steps towards losing weight and taking care of myself, just knowing that part of the female experience is knowing what it's like to feel pretty. I've started shaving what parts of my body I can get away with without raising any alarms, though honestly my friends and family, save a few people, would probably just think I'm just going and being a wierdo like usual if I went full body waxing; I'm fortunate to not have ensconced myself in a community of intolerant people.

If I can put out a message to any lurkers in this forum that are being timid (which I have been for weeks now), it's try to be honest with at least yourself. I still don't know even what I'm truly coming out as, but I do know that in at least coming to terms with that fact that whatever I eventually come out as, even if I surprise myself by finding out that I'm really just a 100% alpha male who happens to just like wearing female clothes (though admittedly at this point that seems rather unlikely), it's OK. The only person that ever truly needs to like you is yourself, and if you like yourself, maybe other people will like you too.
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you pretty much just described me. i cant tell how relieved i am to know im not the only one that struggles with even caring enough to take of myself.

the key to being and enjoying yourself is knowing yourself. i too dont know myself as well i'd like.

not knowing who or what you are is not fun. you never know how you would react to something if you didnt have the instinct to react how someone would expect you to. social expectation are the bane of our existence. honestly i still havent figured out how to get over it. the only advice i can really offer is to not let the past control you. my junior prom was an utter disaster because of something that happened when i was like 10. i'd really rather not talk about it though.

i too have never tried to build muscle or be a jock or any kind of manly man. i never understood the need for it. im a lot smarter than most people(lets face it, people are idiots. no offense to anyone in particular) and i always thought that was enough. when i was twelve or so i discovered the wonders of panties and things just took off from there. puberty wasnt fun by any means, but thats another story for another time.

its good to hear that another of our kind is on the road to self actualization. hopefully one day you'll understand yourself and what you want out of life. i certainly hope i do, and i hope you do too.

so congratulation on joining SK and welcome to your new home! 
i am brittany her royal puffiness!!!

im officially in love with the color pink.

*hugs and kisses for all*
Thanks brittany, it's encouraging to know about others in the same boat. The past 18 years of my life have been full of lotsa nights of crying and being pretty emotionally dead during the day, only in the past year or two have I really been able to start expressing positive emotions in public.

I think one of the reasons school up until my senior year was so terrible was that I was surrounded by people who were all actively trying to find themselves and here I was, someone who didn't care about who they were and terrified to find out. I kind of figured I always had somewhat sissyish feelings, even though I didn't even know the word at the time, I always liked cute things and softer stuff, but I always forced myself to really repress those type of feelings since I was always afraid people would make fun of me more for being even more of a wierdo than they thought I was. It's truly comforting to see other people who had similar experiences, and see a big ol community of em. Hugs and kissies to everyone here  .
Little sissy boy
You're like me to nice to know i know more people like me.

Sissy sister to Kawaii Pi and Diapeyboy21
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