I've been stressed out recently due to not only this but other sudden circumstances in my life. I've been stressed because I don't think I've got what it takes to drop everything and start out a new life somewhere else if I transition (which I'll need to do, living in a small secluded community). I have no real network of support in my area, nobody I can confide in, and 0$ to my name. I've been stressed because I know the longer I go without addressing these issues, the worse and worse I'll feel, and being prone to severe depression I might do things I would regret if it things get any worse.
I'm fortunate in being young enough at 21 to catch this now and deal with it before it becomes a serious problem down the line, but I'm terrified of having to deal with this. I don't want to be one of the most hated minorities in the country. I don't want to have to seen as a 'tranny' first and a human being second, and I don't want to be defined as a person by a mental condition that I was born into. As much as I would like to say that the majority of people judge people by their character and there's only a few hateful bigots out there with loud voices, I'm well aware of the fact that people stereotype, even those with the best intentions. The biggest thing is I know that this is pretty much who I am, and because of that, I'm sort of stuck with all these problems. I can't just go 'wait, I'm not transsexual, screw all this BS'. Either I have to deal with the life of being a transexual woman and transitioning, which is one of the most monumental and hard tasks you could ever expect anyone to commit to (every transition is an inspiring success story if only for this reason), or I have to deal with a life of regret, digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole.
I'm gonna keep trying to get healthy and take care of my other problems, but this has been really hard on me. I'll survive, I've just been losing sleep lately and needed to blow off this massive amount of steam. I already feel way better getting this off of my chest. I know I'm probably blowing this way out of proportion for myself just out of stress, and that there's some kind of light at the end of the tunnel for me, but I felt my heart skip a beat when the realization struck me and I kind of went into a stress induced fugue for a day or two, being on autopilot during the day and being irrational (and actually kind of dangerous to myself) at night in private.