Stressed out and emotionally addled

mspragmatism

Posted on April 21st, 2011 ~ 4:10 am

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The past few weeks I've been coming to grips with the fact that I am transsexual. I've done a lot of soul searching, and it's the only conclusion that makes any sense. The moment the anvil dropped for me was lying in bed, and all of a sudden I felt like an actual person with a real identity once I stopped for but a brief moment pretending to be male. My body feels incongruent with my mental state; my male genitals feel like some sort of cyst or tumor and not a real part of my body, I can't look in a mirror and recognize myself any more. For the past couple years I've always been afraid to commit myself to it, since I let myself get dragged into that line of thought that it was the escapism of the gender role of being female that I was mentally attracted to, but the past month it dawned on me that it really had nothing to do with any way that anyone else perceived me. I could be the only person left on the planet and my body would still feel wrong.

I've been stressed out recently due to not only this but other sudden circumstances in my life. I've been stressed because I don't think I've got what it takes to drop everything and start out a new life somewhere else if I transition (which I'll need to do, living in a small secluded community). I have no real network of support in my area, nobody I can confide in, and 0$ to my name. I've been stressed because I know the longer I go without addressing these issues, the worse and worse I'll feel, and being prone to severe depression I might do things I would regret if it things get any worse.

I'm fortunate in being young enough at 21 to catch this now and deal with it before it becomes a serious problem down the line, but I'm terrified of having to deal with this. I don't want to be one of the most hated minorities in the country. I don't want to have to seen as a 'tranny' first and a human being second, and I don't want to be defined as a person by a mental condition that I was born into. As much as I would like to say that the majority of people judge people by their character and there's only a few hateful bigots out there with loud voices, I'm well aware of the fact that people stereotype, even those with the best intentions. The biggest thing is I know that this is pretty much who I am, and because of that, I'm sort of stuck with all these problems. I can't just go 'wait, I'm not transsexual, screw all this BS'. Either I have to deal with the life of being a transexual woman and transitioning, which is one of the most monumental and hard tasks you could ever expect anyone to commit to (every transition is an inspiring success story if only for this reason), or I have to deal with a life of regret, digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole.

I'm gonna keep trying to get healthy and take care of my other problems, but this has been really hard on me. I'll survive, I've just been losing sleep lately and needed to blow off this massive amount of steam. I already feel way better getting this off of my chest. I know I'm probably blowing this way out of proportion for myself just out of stress, and that there's some kind of light at the end of the tunnel for me, but I felt my heart skip a beat when the realization struck me and I kind of went into a stress induced fugue for a day or two, being on autopilot during the day and being irrational (and actually kind of dangerous to myself) at night in private.

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SissyMichele

Posted April 21st, 2011 ~ 6:15 am

AWWWWW sweetie you anit alone on any of this. We all been here and delt with this from time to time. First off you no more or less of a girl in any form or shell what you feel most on the inside is all that matters. The world is a cuel bitch thats for sure. I was big time into crossdressing when I was in Seattle and it pretty open there. Still there where alot of meannys and such but you got to look past all that BS and move on LIVE yer life as you wish to live it. Im abit cloest case here in my hometown atm but im still doing what I do best and be me. I love me for me boy or girl hehe. Im in a boyish phase atm hockey playoffs atm got the beard thing going lol but still I feel im a lil girl on the inside and thats all that matters. Don't EVER let anyone or anything take that away from you. Do me a favor and Keep that lil girly head hi. BIG HUGS!!!!!

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mspragmatism

Posted April 21st, 2011 ~ 7:07 am

Thanks for the kind words. It's not that it's all negative emotions going on right now for me, since I've had a few days to reflect I've felt internally liberated about it, but it's just so much going on mentally right now that it's almost headache inducing, and things I've got going on in my personal life aren't helping. I've actually been able to start liking myself at least mentally recently since I've been able to be more introspective, now that I have more of an identity, it's just all of the baggage that comes with finding out something like this is pretty heavy.

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SissyMichele

Posted April 21st, 2011 ~ 1:17 pm

Just remeber theres always a Rainbow after the stromes of life

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Mellsissy

Posted April 21st, 2011 ~ 4:02 pm

I think everyone here will agree. We have all been there. I would suggest you go and talk to a counselor. A it will give you someone to talk to that should know how to help you with the mental warfare and B it will give you someone just to talk to that can't say I saw so and so and they want to do this. I know that takes money but a lot of them will work with you on that. A lot of them have a sliding scale.

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mspragmatism

Posted April 22nd, 2011 ~ 2:45 am

As soon as I can I'm definately going to invest in professional help, but as I said, I literally have about 40 cents in the bank and no income. Hopefully I'll find myself in some better position soon though. This whole thing kind of blew up on me a the other week since I never really had any sort of epiphanies or emotional tipping points in my life up until this. I've never had to deal with anything this monumental.

It's kinda funny how 3 months or so ago I just started lurking this site and now with the inspiration and courage I've seen out of the greater TS community as a whole, I'm considering possibly even going as far as SRS down the line. For years I've always thought this was just something that would go away once I started having more of a life but now that I've actually got things going on in my life I've found it's here to stay. The past couple months have been a crazy emotional ride.

I'll be around and update on my status, mostly for my own sanity. I've found recently that I don't really even consider myself that much of a sissy any more since I've stopped being in denial about being TS (in a way I think I've gone from idle fantasies about being a little girl to determined need to become a full on woman), but the kindness and support I've seen out of this community has been astounding.

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