Basically I have been on and off with posting and keeping active here at sk. I became real close to somone that I met on IMVU, the 3D Chat client. This someone became very important to me the day she became my Mommy and how serious and true she was about that, not just talk and no do.
Suffice to say I have met others before her that have all been exactly the same with such promises of me to be with them and for me to finally live out my life in full as the Sissy Baby I have always meant to be. No speciffic date had been given, but I had been given the next best thing to that, which was by the end of December of 2014, I would be definitely be with her in California and living out my true life.
Several months way before December came, my Mommy had important news to tell me, that news was that I would not be going to live with her as planned and as promissed, situations beyond her control made things so that she would not be able to have me go and live with her and worse of all, it was not likely I would be able to do so in the near future unless certain circumstances should change.
That news completely devistated me beyond mention, I was glad however, that we remained on talking terms, because by that time I loved this Mommy in a way I never thought possible. She talks to me and I to her on IMVU everyday as usual, she can only be to me now an online Mommy only.
While that helps a little and would have been a lot more helpful if fate had not suddenly came by and took that away from me. For those of you not in the know, I nearly came close to losing the ability of using my hands due to an onset of conditions connected to Arthritic conditions that I suffer from that left me with two perminant swollen knees, just above the knee cap along the thigh.
I suffer from pain in both knees due to the swelling, of which I take medication for to bring down that pain. When I thought and had hoped that my Arthritic conditions would not get or become any worse than the swelling just above my kee caps on both legs.
All of sudden from out of know where I began to discover pain in the fingers of my hands and in the hands themselves. To my shock, they were both red raw in the palms and the fingers were red too, it looked like as though someone had turned the colour up on me, if you know what I mean?
I was unable to do anything with my hands, because of the pain in my fingers. I play Electronic Keyboards and compose my own music on them. Music is very much my life, therefore, my keyboards became and have been very much part of my life too. I was in a state of total despair at the thought of losing my ability not only to play my keyboards, but also to be able to compose my own music ever again.
I cannot begin to really put into words what that did to me on a mental and emtotional level, that prospect had on me. It will be made clear how such a matter would and did affect me on those levels. Back to matters at hand. The condtions with my hands seem to not improve and I was distraught beyond mention.
Things were bad enough that I was not going to get my life long need fulfilled, I faced the strong possability of not being able to use my hands. The emtotional and mental strain was already even at that point, beyond what I could manage to cope with.
Only spending time with my Mommy on IMVU has been able to keep me some what stable in all of this. After many months of agony and emotional termoil, somehow, in someway, the condtions of my hands slowly but suerly went away. I do not know how, but I sure am forever grateful of the fact that that I can use my hands properly and fully again.
But just as that good news helped to restore somewhat some mental and emotional stability back into my life, due to weather and very poor heating condtions in the place that I live in, brought about problems that began to hapen with my arms, the top part over the actual muscle area and all the way around the top half of not just one arm but both, swelling began to emerge, with that, a pain beyond mention, that became very difficult to cope with, considering everything else I had been through, please remember that fact.
The pain was as such, becauses the swelling was near to bordering on being dangerous in someway, in which way I am unsure, only suffice to say the only and best thing that I know about presure, is that too much of it and what ever is holding that presure will burst, because the stresses of what ever causing the presuer build up eventually reach a point, a breaking/bursting point.
My arms were swelling up to a point that was reaching almost close to that danger point, if not the skin on my arms bursting, then very possibly a blood vessel or something would and could have burst, if my arms had swollen any futher, of this matter I do not joke about nor exaggerate the matter.
The swelling was really that bad, I feared the worst. The only thing that put a stop to the swelling becoming worse, was for me to get into my bed under my covers, putting myself into an induced state of relaxation, which was considerably hard to do with being in so much pain. There's more to it than that and why or what was casuing the swelling in the first place.
Without going into too much detail about it, I will say it has to do with being extremely sensitive to both hot and cold conditions. All of my life, I have never been so good with coping with too much heat in the summer or too much cold in the winter times. Over all, that odd quirk if you will of a problem did not affect me too badly.
Sad and sorry to say, that is no longer the case now. A shift in coldness or heat can and does make that swelling in my arms flare up, what I mean is that the swelling can and does go down, but not completely, but a change in temp can make the arms swell up like a balloon and very quickly too.
My arms are now like my knees, they aer perminantly swollen. And of most recent, the back calf muscles on both legs have become perminantly swollen too. This next part is not going to be easy for me to say, but it is important that you all should know. I have long time now suffered from mental illness, due to suffering from not one, but 2 Emotional Breakdowns.
This is what I know about Emotional Breakdowns, as once told and explained to me by a Pyschiatrist. Once a person suffers from an emotional breakdown, they fall into the risk factor of falling prey to having a full and complete mental breakdown.
However, such a risk can be easily avoided with help to recover from the emotional breakdown, etc. A person may not fall victem to such a thing from his or first Emotional Breakdown, most likely they will suffer a second Emotional Breakdown, which canand does happen, though having them does have it's limits.
I forget now how many times I was told that a person can have Emotional Breakdowns, I would say 2-3 being the upper most limit, anything after that develops into a full and complete mental breakdown, from which there is hardly to zero recovery, should such a thing happen.
Recovery from a full and complete mental brakedown is at best rare. A person that does or has recovered from such a fate is never really quite the same as they were before the mental breakdown took place. I am one of a few or possibly many of those unfortunate ones that did not make a full complete recovery from both Emotional Breakdowns.
While I have had other kind of help with such matters, that help has only provided only certain aspects of keeping my emotional and mental conditions stable. What had helped to keep me more stable, than anything else, was the promise made to me by the Mommy that I have mentioned.
When that promise was broken, even though it was not deliberate. It devistated me all the same, the results would have been far worse if it had been deliberate, or not being able to chat with my Mommy on IMVU in any way.
Having her there at least to be there for me online every single day on IMVU, helped, though the harm had been already done, it still on the whole was not completely al lthat bad. But when the problems that I have mentioned hit me that followed on one after another, not all at once, slowly but suerly they followed on from each other.
The pain in my arms was you could say the last straw, my emotional and mental state was already being pushed to it's limits. The pain to my arms was the final blow... Now... now, I am slowly starting to lose it, emotionally and mentally, I fear very much that I will fall victim to having a full and complete mental breakdown.
I can't as I could befero get psychiatric help, besides which, that never really helped me in anyway, sorry to say such help did more harm than actual help. I can't afford to see an alternative and Private specialist, if I could, I would.
So, all of that said, there is nothing much else left to help me. Only one thing might help. It is my hope that it will, to go on holiday, I have not had a good long and proper holiday in like for a very, very long time. While I cannot afford to go on holiday outside of the UK, I am confident that a holiday within my country will be less expensive.
There are a few places I know of from my childhood past that I have always wanted to go back to and visit again at some point. With each and every day becoming hard for me to keep emotionally and mentally stable, which I am fighting dearly to help prevent from me having a full and complete mental breakdown.
This leaves me physically drained alot of the time and I am forced to go to my bed and sleep during the afternoon and not waking up until late in the evening. 7-8pm is the time I wake up by and sometimes I can be so drained even after waking up, I go back off to sleep at about 9pm, sometimes I regain some energy and can stay up till about 10:30pm.
Having a goal like saving up to go on holiday is not only a postive step, it helps in my fight against the emotioanl and mental battle that I am fighting. Going to all of those special places of my childhood past, I hope beyond everything, will help to lift up my spirits, enough to not only prevent a full and complete mental breakdown, but also to make sure that won't ever happen ever at all. Without the holiday, I fear that this battle that I fight, I may end up losing that battle.
And now you all know the sad and bitter truth of what is keeping me from being active here. I am so, so truly sorry that I could not tell any of you this before. Only one person here knows far more than I have mentioned here. I won't say who unless they say so themselves. That shall be up to that person.
I respect this person beyond words can say. Hence why I cannot and wont reveal who that is. So please respect that before commenting on here and also to bear in mind everything else too that I have said, before you leave a comment. Thank you all for taking the time to read this post.
Additional: What would ideally, really and most truly help me the most though, even more than having this holiday that I speak of, would be to find a new Mummy/Mommy that I can be and live my life with. I cannot put into words the greater importance of that to be to me, it is sincerely what I need most of all.