I've the vast majority of my life simulating what I believe to be masculinity in order to get along in our repressive, prudish culture. I've been so very good at my charade that I sometimes even fool myself.

I know when I put on my first feminine garment, but that wasn't the beginning of feeling gender dysphoria. The first time it really hit me was when a friend visited from out of state. This was between my two marriages. As friends do, I took him to some tourist attractions. But when we ended up back at my house, all I could do is think of how much satisfaction I was getting by making dinner, cleaning up, and being 'woman of the house.' I wasn't feeling sexual attraction to him, only that warm feeling of taking care of someone.

Since then, my feelings of taking on a more feminine role and all the trappings therein. Oh, I know the roles of feminine and masculine are constructs of our society. But oddly, this makes me want to embrace them more. I've had this discussion with women who are more feminist and they always think I'm crazy for wanting to be a woman in this society. They point out how badly women are treated – quasi-slavery to men, verbal / physical abuse, not being treated as equals, menstruation, pregnancy, and even rape. Yet, with all of those negatives, if I had someone who could wave a wand over me and change my XY to an XX, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I don't think it would be easier. I'm not saying it would be more fun. I'm not saying any problems would be necessarily solved. I'm only saying that I would feel more... ME.

And before anyone jumps up and down, I'm not asking to be a pinup model. I'm not saying that I want to be skinny, or young, or beautiful, or ... anything but what it would be to have me, and the world KNOW that I'm a woman, not wonder what man put on a dress.

At an age where youths of today are making sexual reassignment decisions, there weren't but a tiny minority of them in the world, and those few were ridiculed and abused. It is so ingrained in my own psyche that when I see a poorly made up transvestite, I mentally scoff. I'd never say anything to them but in my mind, I judge. You can take the trans out of a sick society but you can't take the sickness out of the trans.

Now in middle age, I berate myself for not having had the courage to be who I learned I should be. Granted, I didn't find my way to a female self-image until later in life, but I never even considered SRS or even living as one. I still feel like a coward. And therein lies the trap.

We are told by society we must be the genitals we were born with, so we put up a façade to the world. Inside our real selves fester. Self-hatred grows because it is "obviously sick". So we bury it further (or feel shame and humiliation when it bursts free). Which makes it fester more, which... (Lather, rinse, and repeat). One would wish for a more enlightened society, but it is the one we have.

And even if we are smart and emotionally aware enough to realize this trap, it is something that weighs on us. We spend our whole lives putting energy into NOT being who we are. I deeply regret not finding a woman who I could devote myself to as her wife. Hell, I couldn't have even considered such a thing when I did marry. And while I have a wonderful, loving wife of my own, a very large part of me feels dead. My feminine side often feels like I've driven a wooden stake through her heart, doused her with holy water, and buried her in unhallowed ground.

So to all my sisters out there, I live your pain every day. I mourn for all of those who don't get the love and attention they deserve.