Coming out confusion
Need some advice
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Last night after a few drinks I discovered that a friend of mine (at university) knows that I am gay and has known for a few months. I've never told anyone outside of Sissy Kiss, so I was really shocked. And scared. And happy.

My friend says that she will not tell anyone else about my sexuality - and that is where I need your advice.

I feel as if I have 3 options:

a) Keep silent (and make her keep her promise, too [cowardly option 1])

b) Tell everyone and be damned to the consequences (very scary option!)

c) Let my friend tell people (cowardly option 2).

I'm really confused. Any advice you can give? Or just a hug?

Love, P-chan  
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GhostWulf
*hug*

My advice is simple. Do what you are comfortable with.

At college/university, in USA, it does not seem to be much of a big deal. I accidentally let it slip one day to some friends, and before I knew it, everyone knew. There really will be no way to contain it if she tells anyone.

What you really need to decide is how much you're willing to let it affect you, and how far you want it to go. It might get back to your family (it did not get back to mine), or it might stay at school, or even make it to employers (I'm fairly certain all of my employers and most co-workers have known). So, before you decide to just throw caution to the wind, see how much it will impact your life.

Make a list of places it is okay to be out, and places it isn't. See if you can trace a path from the okay places to the not okay places, and if you can, I'd suggest asking her to keep quiet.

A lot of a gay people tell me they are persecuted, and that bad things happen to them. In my experience, it isn't true. That might be because I'm big and scary, or it might be that times are actually changing, or even that I'm located in Florida.

Anyway, my point is that you need to evaluate your situation and make a sound decision, not a spur of the moment decision. So, take your time, look around, see what the situation is for local gay people, evaluate how much it will affect you, and even ask your friend for advice. Then make a decision.

I hope my rambling helps, and good luck!
-G
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P-chan
Hey GhostWulf, thanks for your reply. Your advice was just what I needed. I needed to think things through a bit more and not rush my decision. Hadn't thought about evaluating the impact coming out might have.

I'm British, btw. University would be fine and my friends here would be cool with it. Employers can't discriminate on grounds of sexuality by law but you never really know, especially as I want to work with children. My parents wouldn't find out, so that's one less worry.

Anyway, have decided to do nothing for a while and think a bit more clearly, as I'm not so panicky as I was when I wrote my post (my friend has been really sweet and is not telling anyone).

Thanks a lot for your advice. *hugs* xxx
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GhostWulf
*hugs back*

Just because they can't legally doesn't mean they won't. There are a lot of things people can't legally do in USA that they still do. Just be aware that the law doesn't always catch up with everyone.

I'm glad to hear that you're going to think it over a bit. Good luck, again.

-Ghost
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OopsiePanty


 Hey GhostWulf, thanks for your reply. Your advice was just what I needed. I needed to think things through a bit more and not rush my decision. Hadn't thought about evaluating the impact coming out might have.

I'm British, btw. University would be fine and my friends here would be cool with it. Employers can't discriminate on grounds of sexuality by law but you never really know, especially as I want to work with children. My parents wouldn't find out, so that's one less worry.

Anyway, have decided to do nothing for a while and think a bit more clearly, as I'm not so panicky as I was when I wrote my post (my friend has been really sweet and is not telling anyone).

Thanks a lot for your advice. *hugs* xxx  




Yes, I would also tell you to wait and do it when you are comfortable or feel you can no longer hold it in. If you are fine keeping the secret for now, keep it and keep learning abour your surroundings and who you are before you jump head first into the pool.

I know of an open trans female furry who teaches music to children in the UK, and like 10 years ago they were pretty worried about getting employment, but found that it wasn't as scary there as they thought it would be. Now maybe gay people have a larger stigma in your country, maybe, but usually trans people have it worse. But it will make it easier to get a job working with children if you are percieved as not gay (even though "straight" people are much more likely to be a child abuser).

It is very good of your friend to keep your secret too. If she really does keep it, I'd consider her a real friend.

*huggles* 
A young girl's greatest fear isn't monsters, or magical threats from beyond time and space.
No, a young girl's greatest fear overshadows all of those things.

Her greatest fear is to be alone.


(Still your little Guardian Shadow, now just with wings!)
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P-chan
Thanks for your advice and support OopsiePanty and GhostWulf. It is very much appreciated.

For the time being I have decided that my best course of action is to actually do nothing. Being "found out" at the weekend was a big shock which threw me into a panic. Having calmed down and listened to your good advice, taking a step back and thinking things through clearly, doing nothing is the best thing for now.

My friends at here at university would be fine with my sexuality; they really are nice and there is at least one openly-gay person on my course. My parents wouldn't find out, so that's ok. It is the job situation which is causing me to be cautious. I need to work out what being open would mean. Technically nothing, but as GhostWulf says, employers can always find ways round the law in this matter.

The best thing in all of this is that my friend is keeping her promise and not telling anyone. So Oopsie, I do consider her a real friend.

Once again, thank you both. *hugs*

Love, P-chan
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